I would like a separation, but, I don't know what to do? Can someone advise me.

[size="4"]I would like a separation from my husband of 27 years of marriage. I am a housewife of 24 years now. I and my children have suffered emotional abuse for years. My husband is a compulsive hoarder and it is getting worse day by day, and he refuses to move things and throw things out that are broken. It's gotten so bad that we can't let any one in our Apartment. When things get broken no one can come in to fix it. I have 3 children, 24 years, 20 years and 15 years old. My youngest is currently being home schooled due to illness. I can't afford a lawyer, what are my options? It is not healthy for him to be living here anymore. He is irresponsible with the finances so we are always worried about bills not being paid. I have asked if I can help with shopping for the groceries and the like, and he said that he has taken care of this for 27 years and that's that. We also don't have a phone, which is a form of control. Thank you in advanced for your answers. I meant to mention that about $12.000 was taken from 2 different bank accounts of my husbands due to delinquency in filing the state taxes for 2006. He still hasn’t paid it yet. And I found information that says that I am an innocent spouse. I didn’t know that he didn’t pay it until he said that there would be no Christmas this year.

I would go to a woman's shelter/abuse shelter and ask them to assist you in taking the next step. I went through this with a friend of mine and she had to physically leave the house ( she went to the women's shelter with her children ) and then within forty eight hours at an emergency hearing, she was ordered back into the house with the children and he was ordered to find another place to live ( since she had the children during the day and he worked all day.) However, that is just an example.

How did you get to the point where you have to ASK him for permission to do anything? "Honey, can I buy groceries this week?" Are you serious? I have never in the twenty years I was married before becoming a widow ASKED PERMISSION of my husband for anything. He wasn't my parent, he was my partner, my equal. How did the balance of power get so skewed and why did you let it continue?

Also, your other children are grown. Why is it unhealthy all of a sudden for the last child, but wasn't for the others? Also, while he is at the grocery store, THROW trash away. If he shows out, or threatens you, call the police. And he goes to jail. AND then you file for separation while he is in jail. It's ugly, but it works. Why don't YOU tell him "how it is going to be" for a change instead of HIM being the bully? Obviously, if he is physically violent, that is a moot point since you don't want him to pull out a gun and start shooting. And if that is the case, get the hell out of Dodge. But, seriously, start asserting yourself in little ways. Maybe he isn't the bully that you think.

I also have other questions--do you want a divorce? I mean, if he hasn't gotten help in over twenty years I don't suspect he is going to now. Also, have you expressed your concerns about his hoarding? It may be an indication of a mental illness. What if you told him you wanted a divorce--or a separation? Is that possible?

Also, it grieves and angers me to hear women say they are "abuse victims" for twenty years. The biggest question that comes to my mind is why? The first time it happened, I would have packed up and hit the door, all seven of my children in tow. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Apparently he has gotten the message it is ok, so it has continued.

The tax issue is completely different. If you filed married/jointly, I cannot imagine how you would not be held accountable for not knowing about the tax situation, especially since you had to sign the return. Did you sign it? or did you file separately?

I appreciate your thorough posting. I think I can draw some common ground for you. Like you, I was raised in a strict Christian background, no dating, no dancing, no pants, no makeup. I married at age 22 after college graduation and was married for nearly twenty years to the man my parents chose for me, and until his death, I had never been with another man either. So, while that particular aspect of your relationship may be unusual in this day and age, it is not unusual to my experience. My husband and I had a deep friendship (which is more than some people every have in their entire life) and seven beautiful children together. Unfortunately, he was killed in an accident last year, leaving me a single parent of the Magnificent Seven. So, I understand about not having support, a job, etc. I have not seen a single relative since the day of the funeral. So, in that respect, you are not alone. I say that simply to say that you can do anything that you attempt to do, if your heart is in it and you believe it to be the right thing.

Your posting states that at one point in your marriage, you and he went to counseling and addressed the issue of the hoarding, and other harmful issues such as drug use ( any drug use is DRUG USE--don't call it "just a little"--that paves the way down the slippery slope). Yet, here you are years later, and not only has it not changed, it has gotten worse, per your own admission.

A woman should never have to stay with a man because of "lack of resources". If you want a divorce, you can file for one. Although legal counsel is always the best way to go, if you cannot afford it, it is not entirely impossible to do it yourself. Also, many attorneys have very low cost divorce case charges for uncontested divorces. Perhaps this is a possibility.

Regarding the pets---you realize ( and I am not trying to sound cruel) an ANIMAL is never an excuse for not doing the right thing for you or your child. For 48 hours, they would be fine, if it came down to the line. A vet clinic can board them, care for them, a neighbor, a kid down the street who needs a few extra dollars, etc. I don't know what kind of pets they are, but you realize that all of these "reasons" seem to offer the impression that leaving this man is not something you really intend to do. Interestingly enough, your posting didn't mention any reasons in SUPPORT of your leaving, just all the reasons why you shouldn't or why it would be "too hard".

Call a womans shelter. Ask them for guidance. Oh, and the not having a phone thing? Your second posting is entirely different in tone than your first. Women who are abused on any level tend to protect the abuser when it comes down to break point, decision, time to choose---they choose to protect him, which is how your posting reads. Note: This isn't a judgment, but an observation from an impartial observer. Your first posting alludes to irrational and controlling behavior----yet your second posting doesn't mention the fact that you aren't "allowed" to even have a telephone.

You need support and there is help available in the community. Also, women's shelters can suggest which attorneys in town are more familiar with cases like yours. It is a starting place. Also, the fact that you have a child that could be perceived as being "at risk" may help in your obtaining legal services.

Regarding the tax thing---it still doesn't make sense. You need to check with the IRS personally and make sure that you are not culpable for any of the half truths he is apparently telling you. IRS woes can ruin you and I don't just mean financially.

Don't let fear ( or pets ) keep you from embracing the rest of your life.

You don't have to go STAY at a shelter. Just call them and talk on the phone, or stop by and ask for information. You don't even have to give your name. Regarding your comment about your being strong---I don't doubt for a moment you are more than capable for the task that lies before you.

I commend you for your resolve in deciding what you want and sticking to your proverbial guns. Sometimes it helps to actually sit down and write out the reasons why you are doing something. So, when the going gets rough, and you are tempted to lose sight of your goal, take out the paper and read it and reminds yourself of all the reasons whatever you are attempting to do is good and positive in your life.

I wish you the best.

Barbie Ann, the compulsion to keep things even though they are broken is an obsession for some people. It is all borne of the anxiety of having to make a living in trying times. Please don't tell him you want him back if you don't. Just keep things as cool as possible. If he used to abuse you physically, he might again. Same for your child.

The shelter idea that Grace mentioned would be the place you should investigate just in case it becomes dangerous to stay where you are. You NEED an alternative place to prevent him from having complete access to you after he realizes you want a divorce. It may not be today. It may not be necessary at all, but you know him and you must be the best judge as to what will enrage him. Fear of loss is big on that scale. If you go, please do not leave your child there. If the child can be trusted not to discuss your directions with him, then you must tell her where to go if there is a problem. That should not be the shelter, but it could be the office of the group that runs the shelter. That keeps you and her safe if things go bad and you have to get out while she is absent. She will have to find her own way there and that is reasonable given her age. I hope you also have a friend where she can spend a night waiting on their office to open. Perhaps the person who runs the shelter would let her call at home if it happens.

You should keep focused on the income generation for later. You have handled the stress for years... a year longer will fly by if you don't say something in anger that lets him know you want out. Who knows? After a year you might have enough income to assist him in paying the bills so that his anxiety lessens. You might find him more reasonable by then. Never say never. Just do what you have to do and keep a calm face on.

Good luck.

Although I am not a medical professional, I am a literalist and I found the idea that hoarding is caused by trying to make a living in stressful times an interesting premise. Since I don't claim to be a medical professional, and I don't know why people hoard, I decided to look it up.

"The primary reasons for Hoarding are Biologically based rather than psychological...."

Frost & Hartl's ('96) definition of clinical hoarding.

This information about hoarding was also interesting reading:

• Hoarding & Saving Symptoms are found in 18% to 42% of OCD patients. But most people who Hoard will also exhibit OCD symptoms.
• 
  Less than 1% of the population Hoards (Non clinical populations are also known to Hoard.).
• There are other mental disorders in which Hoarding Behavior is seen, such as.: Anorexia Nervosa, Dementia and sometimes Psychotic Disorders.
  The differences between these types are not know yet.
• 4 keywords that are found when talking about Hoarding are.: Indecisiveness, Perfectionism, Procrastination, Avoidance.
• This is a symptom that is known to be difficult to treat, especially if there is little willingness to change.
• The usual medications that can help with/for many other OCD- symptoms seem to be less effective for treating hoarding. Same goes for the ERP that is traditionally used to treat OCD when it comes to therapies. But an adapted form of ERP is being developed of which the results will still have to be looked in to more thoroughly.
• BT ( Behavior Therapy.) does prove to show some benefits. But like mentioned above, do Hoarders not benefit greatly from the traditional treatments for OCD.