My children's rights

I left my home 3 years ago with my 6month old to enlist the help of family member to take care of my son and continue the persue of an already started career. I relocated back to my home town in NY from tX but my husband could not come due to military service, he was to follow ASAP. We did not expect it to be 3 years, but here we are. We have not decided to divorse yet but a lot has happened since. My husband found himself a lover in my absence, she got pregnant with his child. This child is now 5months and since this women got sick and lost her job, my husband brought her to live with him in the house we own together and support them. I live in a different state with our 2 children, and support my house on my own. We keep separate bills and bank accounts, my husband helps me by paying daycare for our oldest child 3yrs, 430/mo and my car payment 410/mo. Everything else I provide for my children. He now lives with his lover and their child in our house in TX.. I have some questions, how much should he be providing for my children, is he responsible for my rent payment? How can I get him to sell our house in TX and buy my children a house in NY without processing a divorse, he keeps promising this but in not coming thru, what are my rights? Does this other child and woman have any right over our property we own together that they now live in?

You state "How can I get him to sell our house in TX and buy my children a house in NY without processing a divorse, he keeps promising this but in not coming thru, what are my rights?" The woman is a shack up with NO legal rights. PERIOD. The bigger question is WHY do you NOT want to DIVORCE this person?? Id you do not, you are assured of NOTHING but financial heartache and ruin.

DIVORCE the man IMMEDIATELY. Doing so establishes YOUR right to child support, and assures you will get payment. No one here decides what he should be paying. A JUDGE will decide. If you lived in a common law state, than HALF of the value of the house would probably be yours. He will have to pay you half or sell it and GIVE you half. THEN you buy a house with it where you are now. Expecting the judge to order him to purchase a new house for you isn't realistic. YOU take the money and YOU buy the house. I would NOT recommend the two of you "working it out" unofficially. Get an ATTORNEY ASAP and divorce the man. This is the ONLY way to assure YOU get what you and your children need and deserve. Make no mistake about it, if he has a "tight" month, YOUR "payments" will be the FIRST to go. Take him to court and divorce him on the grounds of ADULTERY. Obviously, there IS proof---and it speaks VERY poorly of his character.

If you do NOT do this, YOU are still legally responsible for HIS debts since you are STILL, in fact, MARRIED. ( NOT a VOID marriage ) The fact he lives with another woman and is playing house with her is irrelevant. THIS marriage needs to be ended to remove any possibility of you incurring significant liability as a result of this man. DIVORCE him now. The cost of an attorney will be nothing in comparision to the financial hardship and grief that lie ahead if you do not.

I thank you for your reply, I never said I don't want to divose him, I know I have to, he keeps telling me he's very sorry and wants to be with me and he only has 1 year and he'll be home with me, I admit I wanted to save my marriage for my children's sake, but now I know divorse is the only way. What i'm trying to prevent is a legal battle that is going to make me very unstable and affect my children. My brother is going thru a bloody divorse right now and I see my nephews and I don't want my children to be exposed to all that reality of fighting over a few pennies and and a house. But at the same time i'm scare to do it on my own and I want my children to have their home prior to him realizing that he's out the door. For me to buy a house on my own will be much more difficult. He's in the military and does not have to pay a downpayment if he buys the house thru VA assistance. But in the end it's not about assets, I'm a religious person and what matters is spiritual health for me and my children. I will seek legal assistance and thank you for that extra push, I needed it.

If you're not fully decided on divorce, you may also wish to discuss the option of filing a petition for legal separation when you decide to meet with your attorney. If you and your husband are still on speaking terms (it sounds as if you are,) you and he can come to terms regarding child support, spousal support, visitation, what happens to that house you mentioned .. even who pays the monthly bills and how you each manage your separate accounts .. and have a legal separation agreement drawn up (and recorded) under the guidance of your attorney. This will protect both you and your children in the meantime until you decide whether or not to pursue a divorce .. it can also act as a legal 'pre-divorce' document that will help set the groundwork for the final divorce proceedings, (if that's what you decide to do in the end) .. and it can help you and your children make the transition easier on all of you until you make your final decision.

I wouldn't suggest you do this on your own, without legal counsel, as you may end up accidentally "short-changing" yourself. Your attorney will be well-versed in your state's legal statutes regarding the amount of child support due (for example), whether or not you should also receive spousal support, along with the many other aspects you may not even be aware of.

Another (non legal) note here: you mentioned your husband's VA home entitlement as possibly a reason to remain in your marriage. As hard as it is, don't let this or other future financial concerns cloud your decisions regarding your marriage. The financial industry has changed drastically in the past decade and you no longer need VA entitlement to purchase a home with no down payment. If you qualify on your own (credit and employment history, etc) you are also eligible for several different "First Time Homebuyer" programs eligible nationwide through any one of a number of reputable lending institutions. If you don't qualify on your own, you're allowed a co-signer (parents or relatives related by blood, for example) to help you purchase a house, or car or even personal loans, for that matter. This is something to consider after you've come to some sort of resolution regarding your marriage. Obviously if you live in a community property state, you'll want to make certain your husband does not have equal interest in any thing you purchase until you've decided to remain married.

Whether or not you do decide to divorce is your own personal decision and no one can make it for you. You've already survived your initial separation (and what's happened since) and are managing to provide for you and your children. It also sounds as if you're keeping your head clear (regardless of your personal feelings) and want to make as sure as you possibly can that your children don't suffer through nasty, damaging and hurtful displays. This is the time to set all of that aside and concentrate on all of the questions you originally asked, with the help of experienced legal counsel.

Much good luck to you.

I thank you for your reply, I think a legal separation is the best way to get things started since this is very difficult to me. Since my husband lives in TX and that's where our house is, do I need to hire a lawyer in TX or should I hire someone in NY where I live?

Most lawyers aren't licensed in EVERY state, so trying to pay an attorney in NY to represent you in TX would be exceptionally expensive, since he would have to travel there. Is paying this cost for a short court hearing for a legal separation worth it to you? I would find an attorney IN TX and see how the cost compares. A quick phone call to a local attorney would tell you if they would be able to legally represent you in TX for just this one dealing. I suspect they will tell you to select an attorney in TX. Keep in mind that a legal separation makes YOU liable for HIS financial dealings since you are, in fact, still legally married. I also would not advise a legal separation. Finances appear to be a concern of yours and paying an attorney for two significant transactions may not be something you want to do.

I am completely baffled by the "Well, lets draw this out until you can DECIDE what is the best thing to do." Good lord have mercy. The man is LIVING WITH and HAVING CHILDREN with ANOTHER WOMAN half a continent away. What exactly IS there to CONSIDER?? Consider that he really DOES love YOU better than her, but, poor guy, he is a VICTIM of fate and cannot POSSIBLY get back to your side because <fill in a plethora of pitiful excuses>? I'll make coffee and you can wake up and SMELL it. The man has moved on with his life and is disrespecting you in a most public and shameful of ways. Divorce him. I am angered by women who do not think highly enough of themselves to realize THEY DESERVE BETTER than that for their lives. You, my dear, DESERVE BETTER than this for yourself. Don't teach your children that this is how a man acts. Don't teach your children that it is acceptable for them to be dishonest nor is it acceptable for them to tolerate a mate/companion that is untruthful and unfaithful. Do you have any idea of what your children ARE learning from your willingness to ACCEPT this meager portion for your life? WANT BETTER---if NOT for you, for THEM. This doesn't mean they don't love/see/interact with their "father" ( and I use the term loosely), it means they do what he has done--MOVE ON with their life, learning constructively how to grow into young people full of integrity and decency like their mother.

It's a shame people think that the label "divorcee" is a scarlet letter. The truth is, from what you said, the marriage was over years ago---especially since he is and has chosen another. Any man that attempts to maintain two "wives" and households is not an honorable trustworthy man, period. Your marriage IS, in every possible way ( besides legally ) OVER. All that binds you to him is a piece of paper. You have not indicated anything that would make it appear otherwise. As long as there is another "wife" ( shack up), it is pretty clear he has moved on with his life, his verbal blathering notwithstanding.

Expect better of yourself. Have you ever considered there is someone out there who can love you AND your children ( NOT replace their father ) but provide a stable home environment for them WITH you? Have you ever considered you might be missing out on "THE BEST" for settling for being the SECOND CHOICE of a man like this?? I encourage you to want better for yourself than someone who cannot be as honest as you are. Expect someone who can offer you the same integrity, love, and devotion that you have to offer them in return, instead of wasting it on someone who has demonstrated by his continual infidelity, that he is either unwilling or unable to return the same to you.

Try to spend some time thinking about what you COULD be missing. Not happily ever after, of course, but at least a partner who is willing and able to offer you the same honesty and devotion you offer him in return. EXPECT better and THINK better of yourself than to be willing to settle for a dishonest and dishonorable partner.

Best Wishes.

As a military dependent (which you still are if your husband is still in the armed forces) you can contact the Family Support Center at the closest military installation to you for assistance and legal aid. I would suggest contacting them first and foremost to discuss what would be in your best interests, ie divorce or separation, and if they can provide it, ask for a possible civilian legal referral. If your husband is no longer in the service, you can ask the same questions of a local divorce attorney in your area. Most attorneys are quite familiar with other state requirements and you need to make certain any agreement you and your husband come to will comply with both NY and Texas statutes .. especially since your prior marital home is in Texas and your husband is a resident of Texas, too (a community property state.)

I would also suggest that you begin a detailed and carefully-thought list of each of your concerns. What else are you worried about besides the disposition of that house in Texas? Will your husband continue to pay both the child care expenses and your current car payment? Who will continue to pay for the current mortgage, property taxes and homeowners' insurance for that property in Texas? Who will pay your own housing expenses in New York? Which of you provides the medical insurance or pays for your childrens' medical expenses? What about college, when that comes into play? For the moment, you're the dependent of a member of the armed forces..what benefits and priviledges will you lose in a divorce? Which can you retain with a separation agreement? Do both states consider a separation agreement legally binding and enforceable, if filed correctly? (Yes, I know...so many questions.)

While most of this will be covered with your consultations, it will help you in particular to have some sort of plan mapped out at the outset. No expense or question, regardless how minute or petty it may seem, should be left out of your list ~ a good attorney will "zero in" on everything that pertains to your particular situation and in the end, protect the best interests of both you and your children.

I think you are to be commended by the sheer lack of anger and animosity in your original post and by the tone of the questions you've asked. Any experienced divorce attorney can attest to the kind of scenes they've been forced to endure with angry, bitter and vengeful clients fighting tooth and nail over children, pieces of furniture or even visitation of the family pet. Whether to divorce or not is a decision your attorney will leave ultimately up to you (as it should be) .. and it is probably one of the most difficult decisions you will ever have to make. Any divorce 'survivor' will assure you it's like enduring a 'living death' that sometimes takes a long time to recover from, especially if there are children involved and this is simply not the type of choice to leap into without a great deal of soul-searching, thought and careful planning. You alone will know if that is the best thing to do in the end .. and you alone will decide when it will happen. Either way, you're in control of your own future.

Good luck.

You should hire an attorney in Texas. While a New York court can divorce you if you meet the residency requirements (even if your husband resides in Texas), it will not have jurisdiction over the house that resides out of the state.

On another note, do not worry about being held responsible for your husband's debts. Despite what another poster wrote, spouses are not generally responsible for the debts incurred by the other (with the exception of necessities). However, jointly owned accounts/property may be taken by creditors to repay his debt (though not usually real estate held as a tenancy by the entirety). Therefore, you'll want to ensure you close all accounts held in both of your names.

Good luck.

I would respectfully disagree with your posting, in part. While joint accounts are obviously the responsibility of both parties, individual accounts CAN be the responsibility of both parties if the debt was part of family expenses, such as child care or food, or as you state, "necessities" ( as opposed to a debt for a new boat for Dad or a new fur coat for mom).

http://www.360financialliteracy.org/...uses+debts.htm

My state is a community state which holds one spouse responsible for the other's debts because both spouses have equal rights to each other's income. Texas is a community property state---therefore the poster could be held liable for expenses that are not in her name, as I originally indicated.

http://www.divorcenet.com/states/ala...unity_property

http://www.jbgoodwin.com/hmstead.htm

Since we seem to disagree with one another about this, perhaps you could provide me with the source of your information so I can learn more about this topic in the event that I am incorrect. I have access to Lexis Nexis and a law library if necessary. As an admittedly novice law student, I am eager to learn from those who know more than do I. I am extremely careful about giving incorrect advice and would like to know if it is your opinion that this information, as I have outlined it above, from these reputable sources, is incorrect. If so, please share the source of your information, won't you? I was unable to find any record stating that spouses should "not worry" about their spouses debts, in particular, debt incurred in a community state, where income is considered community property, even when only one party is employed. We are here to learn. Please share, won't you?

That's just not correct.

TEXAS FAMILY CODE

§ 3.201. SPOUSAL LIABILITY.
(a) A person is personally
liable for the acts of the person's spouse only if:
(1) the spouse acts as an agent for the person; or
(2) the spouse incurs a debt for necessaries as
provided by Subchapter F, Chapter 2.
(b) Except as provided by this subchapter, community
property is not subject to a liability that arises from an act of a
spouse.
(c) A spouse does not act as an agent for the other spouse
solely because of the marriage relationship.

If you dig deeper, you'll probably find that "necessaries" include basic needs such as food, clothing, shelter, and basic medical attention, rather than expenses such as child care. You'll also find that only community property that is jointly managed and controlled is subject to the other spouse's liabilities, except in cases of tortious liability (See § 3.202 of the above cited chapter). However, even with regard to judgments obtained in tort actions, Texas law provides attachment exemptions for houses, personal property, retirement accounts, and wages (See Texas Property Code, Title 5).

Unless the original poster is wealthy (which I gather she is not), it's unlikely she'd ever be in a situation where she would be held responsible for her husband's debts.