Please Help My Little Boy

I live in Ohio

My son is 16 months old.

When my son was 2 weeks old my husband was removed from our house and arrested for under age drinking because he could not be left around our small child because he was too heavily intoxicated. He is an alcoholic, though that is something hard to prove.

We are still legally married, but he left us when our son was 10 weeks old. The child has been in my care the whole time since.

Right after we split up, I had an attorney help me with a civil protection order for me AND my son because of domestic violence and threats.

My mother supervised visitation because of the protection order, but he almost never came around for a whole year. He would visit for a week or two and then disappear for MONTHS with no contact or visit. At the time he was NEVER once denied a visit.

A couple of months ago I fell for his sweet talk and for the sake of our son, I dropped the protection order and gave him a chance. He got violent the very next day!!

I am now in the process of getting another civil protection order. He harassed me ONCE to see our son since August, but I was too afraid, so in a round about way, I denied him. BUT there is no order for visitation or anything like that.

Since we split up he and his family have been making wild threats about taking our baby from me. Talking about all these rights he has and this and that. They expected me to hand over my 10 week old baby that I was breastfeeing!! Alone, to the guy who was violent with me? Yeah right!!

I am the most ideal parent there is. I never go out, I have a college education, no criminal background, I have not entered into a relationship with someone else, and I am with my son 24/7!! I never leave him to go party or sleep with people, while this is ALL his father does. He has had 5 girlfriends in a year, while I have just devoted myself to my son. OH....and he only wants to visit when he is "single"...and the disappearing relates to having a girlfriend.

Just this past month I also found out that he got turned down by the army because he failed a psychological evaluation. His mother was made sign her custody away when he was very small to his father because she is bi-polar and schizophrenic. I STRONGLY believe him to have some mental illness himself.

On December 1st he has a contempt date for not paying child support this whole past year. He just quit another job and so he will most likely be going to jail for 30 days.

The point in all of this is that I am very scared. My son is my everything and I am all the time saying that I would cease to exist if something happened to him. He is the beat of my heart. I have told my mom many many times that if he is ever alone with my son, we will never see him again. I know that he could hurt my child, either because he is unstable or drunk, or because he would allow the wrong people around him that would hurt him. He does not have his own residence, but instead lives with roommates and possibly a girlfriend, though this would never be provable because he KNOWS this is bad for him.

Even with all of this that he has working against him, and absolutely NOTHING that can be dug out of my deepest darkest closet to use against me (I have led a religious and respectable life) I still live in fear. I wont even divorce him because I am afraid it will be the catalyst for a visitation order. I just keep reading and hearing all this stuff about rights rights rights...and this is his son too. I know he is incapable of caring for him for even an hour, but will the court agree? I am MORE than happy to agree to ANY kind of supervised visitation on whatever regular schedule he likes, but my son can NEVER be alone with him!

What kind of case am I looking at here? Will the court listen? Is there ANY chance he would get my son alone? ....I just want to sleep again....

thank you

I understand and appreciate your concerns, but it is impossible for anyone to predict how a court will rule.

I do understand and admire your willingness to take care of your child. Unfortunately, you have one thing working against you, and that is two fold. First you married and made a baby with someone dangerous and secondly (and this may carry more weight with the court) you are yo-yo-ing him in and out of your life meaning you are able to be manipulated. My point is, the courts take a grim view of domestic violence, but they take the same position on the restraining order yo-yo. The back and forth allowing him back into your life may say to the court that you are unable to protect the child since you are being manipulated and appear to be dismissive of his threats.

I am concerned about your perception that you dropped the op. Usually, once an OP is given, it cannot be rescinded and certainly not by the victim of domestic violence. In cdv cases, the victims either 1. aren't really victims, and they're trying to stick it to the other party in a messy custody/divorce issue OR 2. they are victims and they change their mind and go back with the abuser . This is so common---it would be a logistical nightmare for the court. So, generally speaking what you are saying happened really isn't common. The OP is a COURT order---and you would not have the authority to rescind it without a hearing to show cause, and another order being entered. Note that if you just verbally said he could come back around you are in contempt as well. OP's just are not rescinded that way. Going back to to court to play the OP yo-yo isn't going to reflect well on your judgement when it comes to keeping your son safe.

I would hire the best attorney that I can. He can capitalize on things such as this mans behavior, although the fact his mother is mentally ill really isn't proof that he is, even though that probably is the case. The fact you were married gives him a lot more rights than if you had just been shacking up and had a baby. And, until a court orders otherwise, he has every right that you have to the child---the child is equally yours and his, since the child was born while you were married. You said you won't divorce him (you are remaining with an allegedly dangerous man) because there may be a visitation order? Hon---listen carefully---right now, he doesn't NEED a visitation ORDER. HE can have the kid ANY TIME because he is the legal father and you are MARRIED to the man. Outside the restrictions of the OP, HE has the same rights YOU do. IF you want to CURB THOSE RIGHTS, DIVORCE THE MAN. You have it ALL backward.

DIVORCING HIM demonstrates to the court that you are NOT willing to remain in danger and subject your child to danger and it sends a message that you are willing to do what is necessary to protect you BOTH. And here is another thing that doesn't make sense---if you are married, why is there an order for child support you say he violated? How can there be a child support order in place if you are married to the man?And usually a child support order goes in tandem with visitation.

What you are describing happens a lot. Mothers log onto public assistance because they won't take their baby daddy to court for child support, thinking if they DONT, that the father has no rights beacuse he isn't paying. But that's not how it works. Fathers still have rights, even if they aren't paying. Child support is not BUYING visitation. (I do not mean to suggest this is what is happeniing in your case, just a general statement).

Visitation is not the problem here. His legal right as a married father of this child is the problem. I would hire an attorney as soon as you can and have him start building a case, using care as he handles the two edged sword of saying how horrible the guy is, yet you had a baby with him, keep letting him back and are staying married to him. While I may understand from a practical standpoint why you are doing those things, those choices do nothing to bolster your position that he is unfit and you are aware of the dangers in this situation and that no harm will come to the child in your care.

Good luck.

Thank you.

First of all, yes the protection order was dropped. I filed with the court and because it was expiring in a couple of weeks anyway, they approved my request. I am well aware that my permission did not dismiss the order. And WELL aware I made a mistake...which I will NOT be making again. I for one learn from mistakes.

Also, when I say I am afraid to divorce him, I do NOT mean that I am with him in any shape or form. Because we live in Ohio and have not been living together for over a year, I THINK we are legally separated now...? (doesnt matter anyway) Also, I have NOT been yo-yoing my son. I have done nothing but beg him to stay part of his life and stop disappearing, and he just wouldnt step up. Didnt like the supervised visits and was too busy with females to bother. And how is considering giving my marriage one last shot (i am religious) and considering trying to keep my family together ONE time yo-yoing? If anything, I am WELL aware that our son is getting old enough that HIS sporadic visits (no matter how lovingly they go) are going to start to hurt him when he disappears. That is part of my POINT. I want to make HIS yo-yoing stop.

What I mean by not divorcing him, is that if I have the protection order, it strips him of his rights. (and yes, it does. that is something I am WELL aware of) He is only allowed visitation that is supervised and has no legal rights outside of that. IF we got divorced, the divorce decree would go along with custody and visitation. Which will go OVER the protection order, right? Thats why I would rather have the protection order rather than divorce. See, you told my twice here to get an attorney. I guess I should have mentioned that I couldnt divorce him if I wanted to. I have no way of getting an attorney for the divorce, let alone the custody issue. Pretty much, it is a battle I am not prepared to fight, but I am on here to educate myself how TO prepare to fight...when I am ready. (its a balance of being well prepared, but quick enough to catch him when he is not)

As for the child support...I have no idea. I know a lot of people think you have to get divorced first. My father was a very successful lawyer before he died, so I at least knew my rights there...at least where I live. Here, Greene County Ohio, support, custody and visitation, and marrige/divorce...all have NOTHING to do with each other. There has been a support order through the Child Support Enforcement Agency since January 09 and he has never paid. Thus, the contempt charge coming his way in December. And like I said...they dont go together...so when I filed for support...visitation was his responsibility to file separately. This was not part of the support hearing and needed to be filed in a totally separate court (domestic relations court, along WITH divorce papers.) See, those are linked like I said previously. Here, you cant handle visitation issues without filing divorce. I was given that information right away because I wanted to make sure he couldnt file for visitation without us going through a divorce. Thus my reason for not filing. They would automatically deal with visitation and custody as part of the divorce. And actually, another thing, as long as we are married, yes, he has rights and all that. BUT if we are married, and there is not visitation order, I am still not required to hand over my son or let him see him. That would be his responsibility to seek that out by way of a court order if I am "keeping" the child from him.....right? BUT if there is a divorce, and visitation requests, I feel like I will be put in a position of being court ordered to hand over my son for a visit. Which I most certainly am NOT required to do right now. He cant walk in my home and take our child, but I am aware if we ran into each other in public he could take him and Id be left hanging with no options. HOWEVER, I know for a fact he does not know this!! In his own little way, he is afraid of me in a way too. He is afraid of my father being an attorney, that taught my mother EVERYTHING about the law, AND that I use the law to my advantage because he has a lot against him with his record, while mine is squeaky clean. There are some things he wont mess with me on. No matter who gave him to green light to take our son, he would be too afraid of me charging him with kidnapping. In their own special way, criminals are afraid of the law and legal system. They know they are wrong and they never win.

I dont know. I understand there are some mistakes I have made. And that is another reason I know I am not prepared to fight this battle yet, aside from money. I need to get my ducks in a row. I guess thats really what Im asking. Sure, I wanted to hear my case is REALLY strong, but I want to know what to do to make it stronger. I know he is drinking under age still and driving. Would "helping" him get caught doing this help my custody case? It shows habituation with his previous charge, correct? Aside from getting an attorney, right now, what are the most positive things I can do to start building my case that
1 I am by FAR the better parent. What kind of things can I work on to PROVE that and document it. (and that he is not even a parent at all)
2 he has not established a relationship (he will blame the protection order) and how is there any way to PROVE this? what if he said he was there every day?
3 How would I later go about requesting a psychological evaluation? If I request it can they turn me down and not evaluate him?
4 Should I let him see his son for now, even with it being dangerous (IF he even asks again) JUST so that he cant say I wouldnt let him. (he will also use this as reason no relationship was established, when like I said I never refused him before.

I don't have the time at the moment to go through your posting paragraph by paragraph but a few things I wanted to clarify.

When I used the term "yo-yo'ing--it was in reference to the OP. He is served with an OP and then it is withdrawn. A consequence for an action, then the consequences is taken away. That is what I meant by yo-yoing.

And, it is NOT accurate to say that an OP takes away his rights. It STOPS him from contacting the child BUT his RIGHTS as a biological parent are NOT terminated in any way. His right to see the child is temporarily suspended but are NOT permanently terminated. And his parental rights are NOT terminated simply because of an OP. An OP is a bandaid on a fatal wound. It's a stop gap measure. It keeps him from seeing the kid for a short period of time. It isn't a workable long term solution. You stating "he has no legal rights outside of that" is incorrect. He has EVERY legal right--they are STILL INTACT he is just being temporarily PROHIBITTED FROM EXERCISING THAT RIGHT. His paternal rights to the child are NOT being terminated. He is simply unable to SEE the child. That is NOT the same as his being stripped of his rights. The difference is appreciable.
You can request a psychological evaluation, but someone has to be willing to pay for it. Also, of course, his being convicted of DUI may be compelling support for you but just alleging he drinks and drives doesn't carry much weight. Unfortunately, these types of allegations are ones made by everyone in your situation so when it is a legitimate concern as it is in your case, the courts have heard it so much already, it becomes mundane and they seem to be immune to it.

I admire your willingess to step up to the plate and do the right thing by your child. He is fortunate to have you for a mother.