like jayeford, need info

Like jayeford, my grandson and his mother have not seen, heard from or received child support, a birthday card, Christmas etc. in almost 4 years. My daughter has gone to consultations with different attorneys in our state (Oklahoma). A few basicly told her that "no judge" would "allow" the "father" to sign away his parental rights. One attorney did say that he would draft a letter for her stating that if the "father" did not sign away his parental rights, she would seek back child support. However, he wants her to pay $750. (for just that letter, more if she has to go to court on this) and since shes a single mother, she cannot afford it (nor can I). Legal aid will not take the case either. Shes also afraid that he will attempt to seek visitation and since he was physically abusive to her during the relationship (however not legally documented) and lives in Texas, shes unsure of what to do. I'm also concerned that in the event of something happening to her, the "father" can just show up and take my grandson (even though my grandson hasn't seen him since he was 14 mths old and doesn't remember him) and theres nothing I can do. I know that is possible since I know a family in my community that has had this happen to. Daughter was killed in a car accident, absent father of first child shows up at funeral and informs family that hes taking his child from father of 2nd child (who has been in the oldest childs life since 1 yr old).Now the 2 boys are seperated and get to see each other (and their maternal grandparents) once a year for a week. any and all advice will be deeply appreciated

I suspect what the judge said was that you cannot terminate the fathers rights without his consent ( barring those few grounds for such). Also, you cannot threaten him in order to get him to terminate his rights---which is exactly what would be happening if she were to have an attorney write a letter stating if you dont sign, I'll get you for back child support. A good question to ask at this point is why hasn't she gotten child support from him before this time? Going to court and having an order for support may have been necessary to encourage and facilitate contact between father and child. So, no, I don't think that bird is going to fly.

Another reason to not do the "letter writing" scenario is because the father can later make a case that he was threatened, coaxed, etc. against his will to sign, which is what threatening him with back child support would be if he didn't sign. Also, you would have to go to court and terminate his rights--the attorney telling you the cost would be more if you had to go to court? Of course it would be more---you have to go to court---you cannot just terminate a fathers rights to his child in some kind of clandestine manner.

Unfortunately, about the abuse, the only remedy for that would have been not to have a child with an abuser because, at this point, without proof, that phrase, as real as the abuse may have been, is just that--a phrase. Virtually ever woman alive that darkens the door of a family court room alleges abuse----or drug use, and the guy alleges neglect of the children, and her cheating. It's textbook. If she has concerns about his being abusive, don't wait----act now to record it, get a restraining order, or order of protection against him, but realize in order to do so, you need proof---and unfortunately, if he isn't even coming around and he is MIA, it will be hard to prove she is in danger. Also, along with the "why isn't he paying child support" question, arises another question-- if he was abusive, why isn't he in jail? No one pressed charges? No one deserves to be abused, but to fail to act in your own defense is facilitating the same.


Unfortunately, from a legal standpoint, a disinterested father can at any point reappear in a child's life and the court well may consider his claim to the child---perhaps thinking better late than never? Bottom line--barring a few instances, a fathers rights cannot be terminated without his consent.

Perhaps the best thing to do would be to go to court and ask for child support. Once he is ordered to pay, if he does not, he goes to jail. Perhaps THEN he will be more willing to do one of two things: 1. Get involved, pay child support, or 2. terminate his rights.

Good luck.