mother in need

I'm trying to get help with a mayyer involving custody. I have 2 children and have custody of my son but not my daughter, they are by different men. I was working at a job for 2 years 3rd shift, I would take my kids to their grandma's at night then pick them up in the morning at 6:30 a.m. We would go home and then all lay back down but my kids ended up getting out of the house. I got charged with child endangerment but the cops didnt call anyone else. My daughters father called children services and they came out and just said I needed to get a sitter and so I did. The very next day cops came and picked up my daughter from a protection order and I have been to court since then and the judge initiated the order and stated that I only have visitation every other weekend from sat at 6 to sun at 6. Nobody even understands why she issued it, not even children services. Two days later I got my report back from children services stating it was substantiated from neglect due to the fact of them getting outside and not being properly supervised and that they closed my case within 30 days and didnt order any protective services but they reccomended counseling and parenting classes. I have already started counseling and have attended 6 parenting classes. My daughters father is even letting me have my daughter every weekend even though its against the protection order. My son misses her terribly and so do I. She misses us so much and cries when she has to leave my house and her dad has to pry her off of me everytime as well. She tells me she wants to live with me. She has also started wetting the bed and hasn't done this for around a year. I don't know what to do, I keep getting tossed back and forth from the domestic court and DV court trying to find out how to get custody of my daughter back.

It isn't reasonable to expect two children to 1. be able to go back to sleep after sleeping all night, and 2. to expect you to be able to care for them after YOU have worked all night. That is precisely why they ruled you needed parenting classes---meaning, in short, they are questioning your judgment, not your intent ( to do harm ).

Also, the fact that your ex allows you to see the child against the protective order is dangerous because if the court finds out, you could BOTH lose the child. Then who does she have?

If you are in compliance with the court order, petition the court to consider your case again. Make an appointment with whomever issued the order in the first place---that is where you start. Whomever ordered your child taken from you needs to be the one who rescinds or alters the order.

A good attorney should be able to fix this situation for you, if what you have said is true. It is also not customary that one child is taken and the others are not----so either you have misunderstood or misrepresented the reason the child was taken, or either the judge really was acting unreasonably. If the latter, seek help from an attorney---I suspect he can help you very easily.

Good luck.

Yes what I said was correct. My kids got out of the house 2 times but I put a chain lock on them and they still got out. I have heard this is a very common thing. My kids have different fathers, I'm married to my sons father and not to my daughter. My daughter is the oldest at 5 1/2 and my son is 4. My daughter also in feb put her finger in the paper shredder I had and a little bit of her finger is missing but everyone I ask say they have paper shredders at home as well and they would have never thought something like that could happen. I was up though cuz it was 6 p.m. when it happened, and I was watching them but I guess not well enough. Now that I have gone to 6 of the parenting classes I learned a lot about discipline, stress management, values and a few other things. I have been told by many people, that the judge I was in front of is unreasonable, even by legal aid. I do still have my son as I said before but not my daughter and it just doesnt make sense that the judge would order this when children services closed my case and didnt order protective services. I wasn't ordered by the court or children services to take parenting courses or counseling but I am doing it on my own free will. I did call the police once and told them that my daughters father was dropping our daughter off on his own free will against the restraining order that HE wanted and they came out and just told me to keep a log book cuz it looks stupid on his behalf and looks good on me. They didnt take me away and also told me it was good to call them just in case he tried to call the police on me. I cannot afford an attorney right now, I tried legal aid and they said I was eligible for their services but they couldnt take my case. I lost my job that I was at for 2 years and do not have one but am collecting unemployment. I can't even get a job right now cuz of having to go to court all the time. The judge even ordered me to pay $539 in child support a month even though I lost my job and told her that but she didnt even care! I just dont know what to do anymore, all I know is that my daughter is unhappy and what the judge has done, has greatly effected my daughter, son and myself. So do u know of any other way of getting help?

Yes what I said was correct. My kids got out of the house 2 times but I put a chain lock on them and they still got out. I have heard this is a very common thing. My kids have different fathers, I'm married to my sons father and not to my daughter. My daughter is the oldest at 5 1/2 and my son is 4. My daughter also in feb put her finger in the paper shredder I had and a little bit of her finger is missing but everyone I ask say they have paper shredders at home as well and they would have never thought something like that could happen. I was up though cuz it was 6 p.m. when it happened, and I was watching them but I guess not well enough. Now that I have gone to 6 of the parenting classes I learned a lot about discipline, stress management, values and a few other things. I have been told by many people, that the judge I was in front of is unreasonable, even by legal aid. I do still have my son as I said before but not my daughter and it just doesnt make sense that the judge would order this when children services closed my case and didnt order protective services. I wasn't ordered by the court or children services to take parenting courses or counseling but I am doing it on my own free will. I did call the police once and told them that my daughters father was dropping our daughter off on his own free will against the restraining order that HE wanted and they came out and just told me to keep a log book cuz it looks stupid on his behalf and looks good on me. They didnt take me away and also told me it was good to call them just in case he tried to call the police on me. I cannot afford an attorney right now, I tried legal aid and they said I was eligible for their services but they couldnt take my case. I lost my job that I was at for 2 years and do not have one but am collecting unemployment. I can't even get a job right now cuz of having to go to court all the time. The judge even ordered me to pay $539 in child support a month even though I lost my job and told her that but she didnt even care! I just dont know what to do anymore, all I know is that my daughter is unhappy and what the judge has done, has greatly effected my daughter, son and myself. So do u know of any other way of getting help?

Also, thank you very much for your advice. Its nice to know that people care enough to try and help everyone with their problems.

I want to preface my comments by stating first of all, I am not 'siding' with the judge. In fact, the opposite is true. I cannot imagine her taking one child (if she thinks the child is in danger) and not the other. On the other hand, she may think a child that is older may be in school and may not need the supervision that a younger child might.

Also, it concerns me that you comment on putting on a chain and they 'get out'----the reason they are getting out is because they are UNATTENDED---unwatched. And, I don't mean to be critical or unkind--but you need to know that from other people's perspective---mine as a former school teacher, now law student and mom of seven children, what you are describing is NOT normal behavior. I've never had any seven of my children get hurt like you are describing---no broken bones---no burns, no stitches---that doesn't mean this doesn't happen-it just means that the children being watched and supervised can cut DOWN on the incidents of such things happening. The chain on the door keeping them in addresses part of the problem, but just because they are essentially locked in---doesn't mean they are being taken care of, OR watched. Do you understand my point? I am not trying to criticize your parenting--I'm trying to point out a critical difference.

Also, it troubles me a bit that you keep blaming the judge. Her actions may not make sense to you but it is her job to err on the side of safety and keep your child safe when she THINKS you cannot. This doesn't mean you cannot, it means she isn't convinced you can. That's where your part comes in---your compliance with the court order, your parenting classes---all of this demonstrates you willingness to address and understand the problem and for that you are to be commended. But you cannot blame a third party trying to FIX the problem for the fact that the problem exists in the first place---you and your ex are to bear responsibility for this situation even happening. Now--that doesn't mean the judge wasn't unreasonable---I suspect she may have been. But, you need to understand that the responsibility is with you and your ex and the care of these children---that is the catalyst that prompted the judge to get involved in the first place. Understand?

An example: A guy is drunk and he drives. He gets pulled over by a cop. Cop arrests him for DUI. He blames the cop---everything was ok if the cop had just let me drive the next block to his driveway. But, the problem wasn't the cop doing the stop or arresting him--the problem STARTED with his actions---the drinking and driving. The parallel is ---this problem started with two people who need to learn about how to parent--and you are doing that and that is a good thing in your favor. But, don't lay the blame solely at the feet of the judge. Understand?

Do your part---and do as I said, petition the court for a reconsideration of your case. If you are eligible for legal aid, keep asking--keep pestering them, if need be. Don't be rude, but keep calling, seeing them, impressing upon them the importance of this situation. Being persistent speaks to your sincerity and determination to make this situation right.

Also, about the child support--I understand your feelings of frustration being ordered to pay child support when you don't have a job--but think a moment of the situation in reverse. A father who doesn't pay and is out of work? the child STILL has NEEDS. The child still is hungry, needs hot water, clothing, medication, etc. That doesn't stop because you are out of work. In the judges eyes, ordering you to pay is the MOTIVATION to find another job, even if these difficult times financially. And I do know about that---I only taught school for a few years before having my seven children--and I home schooled and did not work out of the home---so we were limited to one income for the majority of those years---so I know how it feels to struggle to get by --and there were times my husband was out of work--with seven children---trust me, I feel your frustration and worry about how to take care of your child when you don't have a job. Now, being a widow with seven school aged children---perhaps I understand even better.

I said all of that to say, your struggle is not unique---it is common and everyone feels it and understands it to some degree.

You are doing well. Asking a judge to recognize that and reward that behavior is not unreasonable. Keep asking legal aid---you never know when they might have a few minutes to give you--if for no other reason than to get you to stop calling and asking for help. (smile).

I truelly understand where you're coming from. Ive been married for 4 years and my husband and I have been seperated for 2 years, I left cuz He was a drunk and had hopes of him stopping drinking. He only got worse and now is incarcerated for 5 years because he was drinking and driving and killed 2 of his best friends, his child hood friends. He is the father of my 4 year old son and is my daughters stepdad. My niece and nephew were molested for 2 years before they finally came out last year that their mothers boyfriend (my cousin) was doing it and we were all oblivious to the fact. I feared the same thing happening to my kids from a sitter that I didnt know so, I thought I could care for them but I was wrong. When I left my husband I had to get a good paying job so I could care for them and they were only hiring for 3rd shift so I took it and ended at making $14 an hour. I have no problem supporting my children and paying child support but the judge based the child supprt on me making $14 an hour and I can't find a job making even close to that, I worked in a factory. My daughters father makes $35,000 a year. I lost my job because my grandma was getting really sick and couldn't care for my children at night any longer, 3 weeks later we found out she has bone, liver and throat cancer. There was no way for me to find a sitter for night time, and I couldnt pay for both day and night and I couldnt transfer to a different line or shift. My son has a speech delay, he had to get his phrenulum cut so he could talk and is 2 years behind. His dad is in jail, his great grandma that cared for him will pass away in 3 months or so and now his sister is gone as well. I had my daughter today and she didnt even want to leave, she keeps saying she's unhappy and her dad gets mad at her for calling for me all the time. I realize that the big problem was my job, its to hard to work 3rd shift with 2 small children. I have talked to a few employers but I wanted to be honest and let them know my situation and they said that they would have no problem giving me a couple days for court cases but if it were to keep on then I should wait til all of it is overbut I dont even know when that will be. My daughters father uses our daughter to have control over me, he's tried to get me back on several occasions and asked that I lower his child support when I had custody. All he does is call me names and cuss at me and he has called me names in front of my daughter. He wants me to just give up and give him full custody of our daughter so he has control over me cuz right now he does. He knew that I had no sitter for the kids and what I was doing and everyone told him to that it was ok, so now he uses it against me. His wife left him twice and they were only married for like a year because of the way he treated her and he was never around and because he smoked pot. He told the judge in domestic violence that he smoked pot. She got irritated and told him he better quit cuz if he was caught then our daughter would end up in foster care. I'm sorry if I am writing to much or talking to you like ur my counselor but it just seems like my life keeps getting worse and worse, my grandma says to always remember that there are others that are worse off but its hard to do that cuz I feel very unfortunate even though I am fortunate cuz I still have my kids and they are alive and healthy. I just miss my daughter and my kids are all ive got. I know you say to represent my case and I am going to but I dont even know if it will work. The parenting class was a 8 week class and I attended 6 of them but missed 2 cuz I was working to get a little extra money, I just started the counseling and it was just issued 2 months ago. I agree it was a bad judgement call on my part, I should have thought about all the consequences but I failed to do that, if anything had happened to my kids, I could never forgive myself.
Thank you so much for reading everything that I have to say and ask about. I couldnt imagine how hard it would be to raise 7 children, I have 2 children and have troubles with that, but having a man around seems to help a lot. I wont ever give up on my kids and will always strive to do my best. It's hard to smile nowdays.

Ok I have a court date for September 11 to see if the they will drop the restraining oreder and is actually in front of a different judge so Im thankful for that but also dont know what to expect. I know that if the magistrate drops the restraining order my daughters father will then take me to custody court. I was just wondering, if the magistrate and judge doesn't aknowledge my efforts and I dont get my daughter back, if I give him custody of her so I can see her more, how hard would it be to get custody back? If I give him custody I could see her more but I want custody back at least in a year or so.