A father's rights?

Hard to summerize what is going on but will try.

Met a girl off of the internet (I Know now NOT a good idea) felt bad for her, she claimed she was in an abusive relationship. She lived in California I lived in Indiana. Invited her to get "away" from him and stay with me. She brought her one son with her. Turns out she had a daughter her mom was raising and another son she left with the "abuser"? Again I know red flags.

Told me she was on a shot for birthcontrol. Short relationship. she had rage issues. less than three months later she was on her way back to California. Met the ex at the train station. shortly after they got married. Told me she was pregnant .. was mine .. then wasn't. Now she says the baby is mine. He is about 9 months old. timing does fit that he could be mine. The husbands name is on the birthcertificate. State of california contacted me asked for some of my information. I am confused.

If I pursue paternity .. she is stating I WILL not have visitation unless I go there! Job does not allow me time for that.

I want full or partial custody. If he is my son. Do I have many rights? She has all kind of issues. I currently have custody of my 5 year old daughter and provide well for her. I want to do the right thing. One minute she is telling me to get lost. The next she is asking why I don't come there! I have offered to send her clothes or anything else she needs even thought I don't KNOW for sure he is mine.

Any advice? Half the people say wait to see if anything gets filed and the other half tell me to push for custody!

Once I got past the "she said she was on the pill" rhetoric ( as if that's the only thing you should worry about in this day and age of AIDS, HIV, etc...) I thought of several answers to the rest of your query. Of course, my comments are prefaced with the caveat that a paternity test is first order of business.

First of all, the obvious. You cannot have partial custody unless you move all the way across the country. Secondly, you have no grounds for full custody--why would you? Because her other children aren't with her doesn't mean you can just take the child. Joint custody is only a possibility if you live close enough for it to be practical. Also, the court may rule that the husband is the legal father ( even if he isn't the natural father).

In my state of SC, if the woman is married at the time of birth ( you call him her "ex"--ex husband?) then the husband IS the legal father of the child--whether or not they were even cohabitating at the time. The same thing just happened to a friend of mine----he was with a woman for 12 years without interruption ( no separation or no living apart). However, her divorce was finalized three weeks after their child was born 12 years ago---so the "husband" is the "father". He pays child support, etc. and has for 12 years. My friend, since he wasn't married to the woman, was told to "leave the boy alone--he isn't yours" by the judge when their relationship ended, although he is the only father the boy has ever known. I don't know about California law---but I suspect that might be the same. However, the court cannot force you to pay child support and then keep you from seeing the child. If you pay child support, the birth certificate will have to be amended and you will be granted equal right to the child. Joint custody half way cross the nation? I doubt it.

As far as visitation--SHE doesn't get to say whether or not you see the child. A COURT makes that determination. Unfortunately--and this is a great tragedy for the child, you may well be planning to move if you want to see the child. Do you think it is in your best interest to let the child be adopted by the husband? I'm not suggesting you do that---I'm just offering possibilities that could be best for the child. In a way, though, she is right in that the court isn't going to make her put a six week old baby on a plane and fly him out to see daddy every weekend. While that may be possible for an older child--although unnecessarily tragic, I cannot see it happening with an infant or even young child.

What do you think your options are? I cannot think of a legal reason you would be granted custody of him---especially since he is a very young baby. What do you think your options are? The only ones I see are either you terminate your rights and let the child have a life with the "parents" he has now, or you pack up and move closer and be a father and fight for your rights.

The option to move is not one I can make. I do have a five year old daughter here to consider. I would be willing to do what is in the best interest of the child even if that ment leaving him be. The issue comes down to even though her husband's name is on the birth certificate, they have decided they could get extra income from me. Trust me I know I made some really really bad decisions and but I am willing to support my child, I just do not think I should have to pay support on a child that does not have my last name and I do not get to see.

I would rather put the money in an account so that when he is older and needs it he would have it for college, first car, what ever. I know .. not up to me the system is certainly flawed! I am being told that if I do nothing the state of California can not touch me. I am just not sure I could live with my self.

Thank you for the input. It is disappointing to think I might not have a relationship with my son.

On another note ... usually when she does call all she wants to do is tell me she wants me back (and yes she is married and I have been in a relationship for a year now but she loves calling late at night asking if I love her. She has told me she is willing to leave her husband and two of her "difficult" children and move here to be with me!) When I tell her that I find it impossible to forgive her for her behavior .. which includes cutting me with a knife .. she gets mad and tells me I will never see my son. Sigh such drama. Lesson learned, need to think with my BRAIN next time.

I understand your reluctance to move, especially given the circumstances. She cannot have it both ways, however. Her husband cannot be "daddy" while they collect child support from you, yet you have no rights. I have never suggested to someone that they terminate their rights, but it appears you most decidedly are getting the proverbial short end of the stick. If her current husband turns out to be a good father and she grows up and the tie between you is severed ( the child ) she may be forced to go on with her life and leave yours alone--which is good for you AND the child you have right NOW. I would never advise you either way--it is intensely personal, but that fact that you would consider it reflects well on your character. Maybe it would be easier for a child to grow up and understand my natural father allowed me to be adopted by my "dad" so my family could remain intact. That is, of course, all speculation on my part. Only you and your attorney an decided on a personal as well as a legal level what is the best option. Perhaps viewing your terminating of your rights as an honorable thing and not a "wimping out" on your part would be helpful. I wouldn't do any thing without a full consideration of the psychological, legal, and personal issues involved.

Good luck.

When you decide what it is you want, seek an attorney for help in establishing paternity first & foremost. It may turn out you're not even involved. I'd also strongly suggest you make sure that attorney is also licensed in the state that the child currently resides as well, especially with the state already in contact with you. The courts will decide the best interests of the child in the end .. right now, in my opinion, you need to decide what part you want in your child's life (if in fact, it does turn out to be yours) .. and then proceed with good legal counsel. It's always recommended that the birth parents at least attempt to work out a mutually satisfactory custodial/visitation arrangement that serves the child's best interests (saves the court time and money.) If that doesn't work out, you'll need legal help, particularly with another name already on the birth certificate. In some jurisdictions, that just complicates matters and personally, I wouldn't recommend you attempt this on your own. Many family attornies offer free prelim (face to face) consultations and there should be one in your area that can better counsel you.

Just another opinion/suggestions, of course, not to be construed as legal advice. As you've already stated, this is the Internet and personally, I think you're wise to be cautious (even here.)

Best of luck to you.

Since the terms of service and usage of this site clearly state that this site is not a substitute for legal counsel, I didn't feel it necessary to take up bandwidth repeating it ( ad nauseum). At no time did I ever suggest that the OP do any of the things I suggested on his own. People don't come to this site asking to be told to call an attorney. They come to this site for OTHER people's opinions, suggestions and input. To continually disparage the same reflects on your real reason for even participating here in the first place.

But, I digress.....

A little lesson in jurisdictions: The Indiana court has no jurisdiction in this case because any action brought against the OP is done through a California court. That is where the child is, that is where the action originated. Obviously, he needs to hire an attorney located in California, not Indiana (not to mention the logistics of finding one that happens to hold dual licensure in both states so far removed from one another). Indiana laws are not relevant, unless she, for some bizarre reason brings an action against him in his locale. I am, however, having trouble thinking of a case where that would be necessary. A California court may appeal to an Indiana court for enforcement if the OP is not in compliance with the California court order, but no cause of action should originate in Indiana since the woman, and the child, etc. are all in California.

As I stated, "Of course, my comments are prefaced with the caveat that a paternity test is first order of business." ( pause a weighty moment for the obvious to dawn).