Request for Advice RE: Legal Custody in VA

Hello everyone! I am new to this site but I need advice and I am unable to hire an attorney to help me with this. To make the story short, I have primary physical custody of a 9 year old son and his father has visitation every Tuesday from around 5-6pm until 8pm when he has to return our son to my home and every other weekend. My son is a typical 9year old child that enjoys participating in extracurricular activities such as basketball, football etc. My ex lives about an hour to an hour and a half away and refuses to comply with our custody order by ensuring that our son attends his practices and games if they fall on his visitation time. He states it is his visitation time and feels it interferes so he does not take him. He also feels that I need to discuss everyday things with him and if he does not agree with our son participating in an activity because it takes up his time then our son should not participate in activities. I've tried to explain to him that our son enjoys his activities and how it is not fair to him to miss out on things but it falls on deaf ears. He is very difficult to deal with and regardless of how I've tried to work with him he is very vindictive and if he does not get his way can be verbally abusive. We recently went to court and the judge told him that he needs to abide by the order and ensure our son attends his activities but now two days later my ex and his attorney are telling me that if the ex does not agree and is not included in day to day decision then our son should not be participating in activities because it is taking up my ex's time. For the last 8years since he left my son and I have done everything possible to work with him and include him in decisions but it is a constant battle and he is not very proactive when it comes to making decisions. I understand that legal custody deals with sharing in the decision making regarding major issues such as education, health issues and religion but day to day decisions? I am unable to afford an attorney (I live in the DC area as a single mother receiving only $300 in c/s so times are tough!) to represent me in court. Can anybody please offer any insight or advice on how I deal with this? I GREATLY appreciate any assistance that anyone can provide!

First of all, let me state that it is against the law for attorneys to "practice law" in this forum. This is a message board forum and anything you read here should be considered mere opinion.

That being said, I have to admit, I felt badly for your ex when I read your posting. Per your own admission, his visitation times aren't that at all. According to your posting, his visitation times aren't times he gets to spend talking with, reconnecting, loving, his son. His visitation times are ones where he performs as taxi driver, toting him to different activities. I have to admit, while I don't think your son should skip activities, I do think his father should have time alone with him, uninterrupted by scheduling conflicts. The obvious solution is for him to choose a time to visit that doesn't overlap with games, and other extra activities. Also, and this is ONLY a suggestion since I have no idea how many extra activities your child engages in, but it may be necessary for him to participate in only a few and not so many that it excludes time with his father. I don't mean to say he is in too many activities---just offering an suggestion. Also, just because a child enjoys such and such activities, doesn't mean it is harmful for him not to participate in every single one that presents itself. You'd be surprised how many parents equate a child being in a sport with his or her being successful. Nothing could be further from the truth.

He has ball games on Tuesdays? Change visitation to another day. He has extra activities EVERY day? He has too many.

Also, I would be angry if I didn't have an equal say in my sons interest and my feeling is your ex's attorney is correct. The fathers opinion regarding the sons schooling, extra curricular activities, even his friends is as important and as critical as is yours. Why would he not have an equal say? I have to side with your ex on this----you SHOULD consult with him on decisions regarding your son. You decline to state what "day to day" activities are--if you mean should you call him and ask if the kid should wear the blue shirt or the red shirt, obviously, that is silly. But, what activities the child participates in really should be the decision of both parents---and I suspect if his attorney appeals, their position will be recognized.

What is your definition of day-to-day activities? And, another thought--if he actually got time alone with the child without having to share his meager portion of time with baseball bats and gloves, maybe he wouldn't be so persistent in the 'day-to-day' issues. But, I don't know because you do not state what those day-to-day issues are.

An important thing parents miss---regardless of how you feel about the man, he IS your child's father and it will pay rich dividends for you to be a bit more flexible and not so rigid. Try to imagine it the other way--you only got to see your flesh and blood TWO days and TWO HOURS a week--and some of that small amount of time was spent chauffeuring to ball games, toting to activities. I suspect if it were the other way around, you would feel cheated.

I was widowed a year ago and have seven children all minor aged. To think that a soccer game or a pep rally would come before their father makes no sense to me at all. Don't deny him his father in jeopardizing that precious time with things that have no relevance in the light of eternity. Ball games? Sure, they're great. Time with your father when you are getting read to hit those teenaged rocky years? Invaluable.

Don't compromise his time with his dad. That time is sacred. You have no way of knowing how much, or how little of it he has left.

Gentlegrace,
THank you for the reply and I wanted to clarify and answer some of your questions. The custody arrangement is that he gets visitation every Tuesday from whatever time he or his wife pick my son up until 8pm, every other weekend from Friday evening until Sunday evening and he gets 30days in the summer. I have done my best to include my ex in our son's everyday life but he constantly refuses. The decreased amount of time is of his doing, as he is the one that requested the decrease, per his own words 'I can not give our son the time and attention he deserves'. Our son is usually only involved in two activities per year, typically football and basketball and I do my best to get on a team where the practices do not occur on Tuesdays but as you are aware with sports activities, games are typically played on weekends and I do not have any control over that. I am not the type of parent that enrolls their child in tons of activities just for the right to say my child does this or that. The only time that I enroll my son in activities is when he asks to play because he enjoys the comradering and interaction that he gets from playing sports. I've been very accomodating to my ex, perhaps two much because now he thinks that all he has to do is complain and threaten me and I will give him his way instead of doing what is best for our son. Here's an example.... since before kindergarten our child has had learning difficulties...he is in the appropriate grade level but he has encountered some learning blocks along the way and last school year his teacher recommended that he attend summer school because it would help him keep what he learned fresh in his mind and help him this school year. I informed my ex of this and that I was going to ask the teacher to submit the paperwork for him to attend summer school but he refused because it interfered with his wedding plans across the country. I tried to explain to him that we can work the schedule out where he would arrive a few days after him in order to attend his wedding but also attend summer school without penalty of being withdrawn for missing too many days. He refused and said he was not changing our son's ticket. I later found out that our son wasn't even allowed to attend the actual ceremony and had to stay at his new stepmother's family's house until AFTER the ceremony to go to the reception. Now this school year our son is feeling the effects...while he is not failing he has struggled and his teacher has suggested he repeat the current grade to get a fresh start and better outcome. Another example, I have always included my ex in the daycare/summer camp decisions but he never makes the time to check the places out and/or gives me his input...after weeks of waiting I will make a decision and he gets upset b/c his input is not in the decision and so he refuses to help pay as per the court order. I have since stopped asking for his input with regards to simple things as these but I always make sure he is included in MAJOR decisions such as education, religion, medical/health issues. I am not trying to take any time away from my ex...quite the contrary I've done nothing but try to encourage that my ex attend more activities (both school and sports) on days that aren't his visitation time but he always refuses. He misses out on some of his visitation because his side business (an Amway type business that barely makes him a profit of $50 a month) or choir concerts take precendence over time with our son.

Also, in looking back at your response I realized I hadn't answered all of your questions...no he does not have activities every day.... That would be too much for a 9 year old child. There is no way to change the visitation schedule... my ex says that is the only day he can spare to visit with our son and there is no way to rearrange his schedule... mind you he is the manager of a storage facility place and as such should be able to make the schedule. My ex is a very demanding man who when he does not get his way will resort to verbal abuse and threats. I ALWAYS give him a heads up in advance that our son would like to do such and such would he be willing to ensure that he is at the games should it fall on his weekend....he refuses. Our son has not played any sports since the fall and this was a decision made because he was experiencing some learning difficulties at school and thought it would be best for him to concentrate on school. He has tried really hard in school and he asked if during the summer he could play summer basketball. Considering how much effort he has put in trying to do good in school I thought it would be a nice thing for him to do and sent an email to my ex letting him know that our son wanted to play in a summer basketball league and that I might be able to sign him up...if i was able to would he be willing to bring our son to the tryouts and any games if it fell on his weekend... He refused, told my son that activities are a privilege that is earned and because he has had trouble in school he has not earned the right to do anything during the summer.... imagine how I felt when my son entered our home crying his eyes out because of what his father had told him. These are the issues I have to deal with.