Very complicated Parental Rights question

Alright. I am going to try to explain my current situation the best way I can.

I am currently 4 months pregnant. My husband and I cannot afford to take care of our child, so we wish to put it up for adoption. We told our families. My husband's mother wants us to sign over our parental custody to her so that way it stays in the family. The main problem is, she has filed for bankruptcy. I have told her that I don't wish to sign it over to her since she is bankrupt and she said that it doesn't matter she can still raise it. My husband says that I should give it to her since it would be easier. So, I have a few questions.

I heard from a friend that if my husband's mother is bankrupt, even if I did sign the papers they could deny her the rights due to her situation. Is this true? I would also like to know if it would cost more to put it up for adoption, or sign my rights over to a family member? Also, how would I go about getting the forms to put my baby up for adoption? I just want the other information to get his family off my back.

I would be extremely remiss if I didn't suggest (strongly) that you consult with an attorney before you decide anything. What you're considering is a life-altering decision, and I believe you should be as well-informed as you possibly can before you sign any paperwork relinquishing your parental rights. Yes, it is true that guardianship is determined on several factors; the courts will take all aspects into consideration, particularly the financial circumstances of the guardian. If your husband's mother is officially "bankrupt" to the point of actually filing one, a court will not look favorably upon her ability to provide a sound home environment for your child. You're absolutely right in that aspect. Once you relinquish your rights, that child can conceivably be removed from your home and placed into foster care until the courts approve either an adoption or a legal guardian.

You're in a particularly difficult situation here. I can't recommend a consultation with a good family attorney in your area strongly enough.(As soon as you can.) In the meantime, the following link may be of some help to you: http://www.legalmatch.com/law-librar.../adoption.html.

Good luck.

Thank you very much! I really appreciate you getting to me with this, especially since I accidently put this into the wrong category. Though, I wish to ask, have you heard of a free family attorney that can be good? I don't even have enough money to get the required tests done during my pregnancy or to see a doctor.

Let me say, first of all, that lack of money at the moment is a poor reason to place a child for adoption. If that is the sole reason---please consider looking for assistance and help in other areas. As a mother of seven, I can tell you--money comes and goes. At times in our lives we have had very little. At times we have had an abundance. And with a little one in diapers every year since 1991, and now being a widow, money is always an issue. But, it isn't an issue worth giving up your child.


Have you given any thought to the psychological aspects of what you are doing? I worked for an adoption agency in Georgia before pursuing a career in criminal law. I would recommend that you speak with a licensed adoption agency and they can be a buffer between you and well meaning, but harassing family members. The agency I worked for actually paid all the medical related expenses of the birth mother, as well as allowed a stipend for housing and other legitimate expenses. Certainly an attorney can assist you, but they will also be glad to charge you. An adoption agency charges you NOTHING ---AND , additionally, actually PAYS for your healthcare related to the pregnancy and can assist you in getting public assistance, Medicaid, etc. FREE.

They can guide you through the legal steps as well as provide financial assistance for healthcare, etc, if necessary. They can also help you with counseling and can help you address psychological issues that go along with such a decision. And, believe it or not, they can help you decide if perhaps adoption ISNT the best choice for you.

There are difficult emotional ramifications that come with having a family member adopt a child. What to tell the child is always an issue. In my family, I had a cousin who had a baby and my aunt adopted it. So, the kid grew up being told his mother was his "sister". He was so hurt and angry when he found out the truth.

I would say that your family members volunteering to adopt the child while they are in bankruptcy is short sighted at best. People view adoption as cruel. It is not. It is an unselfish act that a mother ( or possibly father, too) choose in order to give the child a better life. Clearly, being adopted by a family member in bankruptcy court is not a "better life". Also, judging from the amount of strife that has already occurred--do you think it will get BETTER if they adopt your child? Surely not.

Consider open adoption if you want to keep in touch with your family. Many agencies allow the birth mother to choose the family that adopts her baby, and you can have regular contact, or no contact if you wish. The options are endless when it comes to personal choices in adoption. I would recommend you protect yourself. If adoption is something you really want to do, I'd to it with a licensed professional adoption agency that has resources that an adoption attorney might not.

It doesn't hurt to talk to them---I'm sure the call is free.

Good luck--and kudos to you for not killing your child before it ever had a chance to be born.

Your local Department of Children, Family and Social Services may have access to either 'sister' agencies or other non profit agencies that they refer you to. Understand they will not provide legal advice (I always have to keep saying that for some reason,) but they should be able to refer you to those agencies which may be of some assistance to you. Again (as always,) I would suggest you volunteer as little specific and personal information about yourself and your particular situation, but with a few 'general' details, you may be able to find an agency to lend a hand. What state do you reside in?

Lack of money is not the main reason. It is one of the contributing factors, but not the main one. The main reason for my decision is because of my family life.

My mother had me when she was 19 years old. Had to go through child support court, government aid, etc. At age 7, she left me to live with my aunt, yet kept legal custody of me to the point of writing me off on her taxes. My father was giving her a lot of trouble in court about child support payments. When I would see her, which was only once a week when I was in high school before then I would be lucky to see or talk to her once a week, she would yell at me and blame me for all her troubles. I felt neglected by my mother. When she got married to a man she was dating while I was growing up, she decided to give him a child. She remained married for 2 or 3 years, and wanted to divorce. She thought long and hard to keep joint custody. She spends as much time with him as she can, gets him everything he needs and wants. I had to go through years of poverty with my aunt and uncle to the point I got my clothes from the salvation army and food from the soup kitchen. Needless to say, my mother has a few mental health issues.

I know deep down that I was not a wanted pregnancy. She says she planned it but she planned it with a man she thought truly loved her. She made me feel like I was a mistake, and even to this day I know I was. I also know that some mental health issues are genetic. This baby I am currently carrying was not planned. I don't want to have my child treated like I was treated by my mother. Even though I know better, I feel that I might end up being exactly like her. I want to give my child the best life possible, and I don't feel that at my age, 21, and with the father not wanting to have anything to do with the child, yet wanting to remain married with me, it would be best to try to find it a family that will love and cherish it the way it deserves to be loved and cherished. I also feel that I am not yet responsible enough to handle the needs of a child, let alone my own needs.

As for my husband's family, I know that they wish to adopt for what they feel is good reasons. I had to sit down with my husband's mother, and I told her that I am not comfortable giving her the baby since she is not in the financial situation to take care of one. Since she is in debt, and has a job that pays $7.50-$8.50 per hour where she is tied to a phone and can't make noise, I have no idea how she would be able to afford daycare, food for the baby, all the needs of the baby, all the needs for her. Especially since she is in a large sum of money in debt. She told me that her being bankrupt is not a good enough reason not to give my baby to her. That she was 7k in debt while raising my husband so this is no different. She also said, and I quote, "How can you be more comfortable giving your baby to a total stranger, who will not love it as much as I will. You don't even know who they are giving the baby to." I tried to tell her what little I did know, that adoption agencies have standards who they give children to. That they would not give it to someone that is bankrupt, and would give it to someone who fits those standards and not just some bum from the streets. She said that I don't know what I am talking about and walked away. She even stated that she was willing to never talk to her own son again, just to have custody of my baby.

As far as my husband tells me, and from what she says to me, I don't think that even if she was financially available to raise the baby, I would give it to her. She is in her 50's, she is single, she is not emotionally supportive what so ever. She doesn't take into consideration how the baby would feel with her being as judgemental as she is, and how she planned to lie to it and tell it that my husband in it's brother. Though, my husband's mother and I don't see eye to eye. I don't wish to do this to spite her, or to hurt her. I know this hurts her, especially since my husband did nothing to make me not seem like a wicked woman. I just want to be sure that I am making the right choice, not just by my emotions, but by what facts I do have. I want to be a good mother. Though, I don't have the support from either side of the family that makes me feel like I am making the right choice.

As for your other question, right now I am currently residing in Puerto Rico. I don't know any Spanish what so ever. My husband needs to interpret almost everything for me.

Puerto Rico.

You seem like you want better for your child--and overall, the couples who are adopting have waited to become parents with such anguish and heartache---unable to have children of their own. The agency I worked for put parents through ALL kind of testing---psychological, physical, mental, even spiritual questioning---very thorough. It is unfair for your mother in law to equate loving adequate care with family only. When a baby is born, EVERYONE is a perfect stranger. She is trying to tell you that somehow your mind would be more at ease with HER having the child "family, yanno". When the truth is, anyone who is willing to forsake her own flesh and blood ( her son ) to gain custody of her grandchild clearly does NOT have the child's best interest at heart.

You are placing your child for adoption to give it the life you cannot. WHY abandon it to a mother in law who cannot provide for it either?? SO the child can grow up, and history can repeat itself and the child can SEE you, the biological mother and know repeatedly you gave him or her up for THAT--you call that a BETTER life??

I believe you are in for a lifetime of heartache if you let your mother in law pressure into taking your child. The best thing you can do, if you really are decided upon adopting your child to a loving family, is to choose one that has been carefully screened and will be carefully monitored, even after the baby has been placed.

I have personally placed a new born child in the arms of adoptive parents and felt the powerful bonding that took place---you could not convince an onlooker that this child was not their flesh and blood. It is profoundly moving. I will always treasure those times I was able to help create loving families.

What you are doing is a loving choice. Don't be swayed by family members----regardless of their intentions, their actions will cause harm.
Surround yourself with supportive people---from an adoption agency. Their job is NOT to "take" your baby. Their job is to help you decide if this is RIGHT for you. And, often times, you may find out it is not. But, if you decide it is, you can pour over birth parent books---called Lifebooks. They make books about their lives, what they like to do, what their home looks like, what religion they are, how they met, why they want to have a child, what other children they have, etc. When you "MEET" the right family, you will KNOW. I've seen it happen dozens of times.

Choose wisely.

I've forwarded some links to you via private message at the top right of your screen that I think may help you there. The first link is in Spanish and will require your husband's assistance in translation, but as I've indicated in the private message, I believe it's a very good place to begin. As I indicated before, I do believe you and your husband need to thoroughly discuss your situation at length with an experienced, licensed professional (which should be available through the link I forwarded), preferably in person there in Puerto Rico. Good luck to you and your family.

How long does it take to recieve the messages? Cause it says that I have 0 Unread messages.