What are my options?

I am the bride to be of a man who has a child with an ex-wife. There are many things happening to the son they have and I can’t believe she was granted custody. The son is 8 years old and has 2 two stepbrothers from his mom and her new husband. We are having a problem with visitation. We have according to the paper work form the divorce to have the son the 1st 3rd and 5th weekend of every month and for a month in the summer along with other various holidays. My question comes in when, we call to tell his mother we are coming to get him on our required days there is always a problem. The son either has practice or is not at home. He is forced to play sports due to this step-dad wanting him to be a real boy. And there is always confrontation with him and the real father. Once at the sons baseball game his real mom was yelling and screaming at me for rolling my eyes which I never did I had dark sun glasses on and puckering my lips whatever that is. She tripped over a trashcan as she jumped at me right in front of all her kids. She is a compulsive liar and has always only looked after herself. She has new brand name clothes ALWAYS and the children get nothing they are lucky to get clothes that fit. I am tired of having an issue every time with them. The son gets in trouble if he doesn’t call his step-dad, dad. He is dirty due to not being bathed, he has glass on his floor some how and cuts himself, and he is made to wear clothes that are to big due to his mom not buying him clothing that fit. She gets 500 a month automatically to do so with and buys her brand name new clothes. OR his clothes are to small so that they can fit the other kids she has. His clothes are on a pile in the garage due to his mother not liking to due laundry. We picked him up for our month in the summer only to find they weren’t there and it was 8:30 in the morning they were at Wal-Mart so he could have clothes to go with us in. And like we thought we got home to find all the clothes to be too big and not wearable. So we had to go buy him all new clothes for him. His mother doesn’t work only his step-dad and they are living of the 500 a month we pay in child support. What can we do? Also we can provide him with so much more a better school district, proper clothing, food (enough so he if full, not still hungry), love, enough attention to where he is not desperate for it competing with the other two smaller boys she created, and a lot more.

Also in a separate matter we live in Katy they live in Lumberton isn’t their some way they are required to meet us halfway or something. The sons father has worked at the same job threw this all and they moved further away. There has to something.

We both myself and the boys father try our hardest to make sure he is happy and properly taken care of but we only get him every-other weekend and can only do so much please someone let me know what actions to take.
Thank you

Unfortunately, you need to separate the "WE" in this to HIM--your husband to be. This ISN'T your battle. Of course, you want to support your husband to be, but the "other woman" being involved REGARDLESS of how innocent it is, always causes trouble. The ex will ALWAYS blame YOU for everything that happens to the child as a result of your husband to be going to court. Categorically unfair to you.

At this point, YOU have no more say in the child's upbringing than do I, a perfect stranger. The fact that you live with his father is immaterial. You are not married. You are not his mother--and aren't even his step mother. Therefore any action that is taken needs to be strictly initiated by the father of the child. The best thing you can do is become invisible in the eyes of the court. The court DAILY dozens of wifes, ex-wifes, and fiances battling it out---it will do nothing for your husband to be to have YOU play a role in this, other than being loving and supportive of HIS efforts.

If your husband to be has concerns about the care and well being of the child, be prepared to document what you have alleged here and ask the court for an emergency hearing (if he is in immediate danger). If not, ask for a hearing to be scheduled so you can bring your concerns to the attention of a judge and ask for the current order to be amended. Bring to the court's attention the missed visits, and times he is "MIA" at visitation time and the judge will emphasize to the mother the importance of heeding a court order.

Again, unfortunately, such things as the mothers new husband wanting him to be a "real man", making him play sports, etc... this is NOT abuse. While YOU or I might think it is unfair or a mean thing to do, the MOTHER of the child has CHOSEN this man to be a person of influence in his life, just as her ex has chosen YOU. I suspect there are as many things that you do, beliefs you have, and child-rearing opinions you feel are effective with which she would strongly disagree. Because you don't feel it is appropriate doesn't mean it isn't. A court cannot tell the new step father, "Now, now, be nice. Don't make him play soccer if he doesn't want to!" This is NOT within the scope of the courts ability to order (thankfully!) I know I wouldn't want anyone deciding what is best for my children besides me.

Differentiate between things that matter ( an abused child, a child exhibiting harmful behavior to himself ) and things that DON'T matter---playing sports, sibling rivalry, etc. Make yourself turn from the things that don't matter ( from a legal standpoint ) and focus on the things that DO. The fact that they are "using your" child support to live on is irrelevant---if it pays for the CHILD'S roof over his head and electricity for him to see in the house he is living in--it IS supporting him. Anyone that pays child support always has complaints about how the custodial parent "uses" the money. That's nothing new.

I also have to tell you that your point "Well, we can provide for him better and he can be an 'only child' with us, and he can have so much better clothes, nicer school" etc. means little in determining the worth of a parent. My neighbor has more money than me. He could dress my kids to the nines, provide them with after school piano, soccer, art lessons, enrichment activities. I suspect he could also afford to buy them gourmet meals I cannot afford. But, I dare you to prove how this would entitle HIM to take possession of my children. See the point?

If you feel the environment that his father can provide is better in those areas that matter, pursue this through the court. Ask for the court to reconsider. But, I would suggest you not try to "sell" the court on the idea of you are the better "parents" because you can afford better and nicer things and live in a "better" rated school district.

Keep records of IMPORTANT relevant details. Go back to court, and bring all of these matters to the courts attention and ask for resolution. But focus on those things that MATTER.

If your husband has grounds for either neglect or abuse, he may appeal the custody agreement with the courts. Understand that there'd have to be some pretty dire (and documentable) circumstances to warrant uprooting the child from his present home; the courts won't take such a drastic step unless there's clear and convincing cause. (Also could be a fairly expensive court action involved.)

Some courts view the parent who moved away has the burden of providing their own transportation for visitation. Your husband would need to refer to the current custody agreement; if it's silent, then the courts assume the parents will work it out. If his ex has relocated, again, check with an attorney to see if your state requires her both pick up the child and drop him off, since she's moved out of the jurisdiction (if, in fact she has.) If your husband moved out of town, it would be up to him. (Not necessarily fair, but that's usually the way it happens.)

Truthfully, I don't see much out of the ordinary by your post above. (If "ordinary" can be used in a divorce situation, that is.) You may not agree with the ex's methods, lifestyle, etc. but to be tactful, that's none of your concern. About all you can do is what you've already posted .. provide a loving, secure second household and family. Kudos to you (and your current husband) for caring as much as you obviously do. Neither of you really have a voice in how she spends her child support .. someone provides a mortgage payment, roof over his head at the very least .. and the courts can argue that the amount your husband sends covers at least that. Unfortunately, if that means you have to spend money for clothing, etc. that is what the courts view is your husband's responsibility as a father.

Again, I'd suggest your husband at least contact an attorney and voice his concerns. At least you could have the driving question answered fairly quickly. Again, unless there is a reason to change the current custody arrangement, I don't believe you'd prevail in civil litigation. (Just an opinion here.) Sorry if it's not what you really wanted to hear, but I do believe what you're currently doing now will pay off in the future. Children do survive divorce; they do eventually figure it out themselves and in the end, they will recognize the parent who stood by them all along. There may even come a time, when the child reaches sufficient age (it differs from state to state), where they can voice a desire as to which parent they want to live with. At the very least, your husband (that includes you, too) has that to look forward to.

Good luck to you. Though you may not think so at the moment, I think you're doing exactly what the child needs at this point in time. He may not be able to verbalize at his age, but it's a pretty safe bet he knows too.