HELP how do I keep sole custody of my son!!!

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Ok here goes again, a shorter more easier to understand version of my problem at hand. My sons bio father has not been in the picture in any substantial way for the past five years of my sons life, my son is seven , almost eight, and even when we did live together for the first two years, i was home with my son, and he worked, and never took an interest in fathering my son. More concerned with drinking, smoking pot, and surfing, snowboarding, etc. We were never married, and after kicking us out of the house we moved here to Ga. He is on the birthcertificate, and my son does have last name.

I am married now and have been with my husband for four years. He has beed the father to my son since then, not by force, but my son made the choice to want to call him daddy, and for the past two years has refused to go by his last name using, my husbands instead. Of course offical documents list the name on the birth certificate.

We never went to court for custody but, from what Ive learned, an unwed mother in most states has sole custody. Ive never stoped him from calling, visiting, or having a relationship with my son, however he never took it as something serious, and therefor my son has never thought of him as anything like the father type.

He did move here to Ga from Co Fifteen months ago and after attemting two visits with my son, and my son cryed and didnt want to go, he left angrily and has not made any attemp to see or call him since. He also requested that my son and I be sent for DNA testing denying paternity, before child support would go into effect. All these years I never took him to court for child support, and when he came here, I finally did. Imagine a dad saying eh loves his son so much, moved here to be with him, but then oops denyes paternity and doesnt have any contact with him for over a year. It was nine months before I saw any child support from the time he moved here.

My question is a couple days ago I was served with papers that he is seeking a petition for the court to grant him joint legal custody and visititation. He is representing himself. How do I fight to keep sole legla, and physical custody and does he have a good chance to get this despite the lack of involvement all these years. Also to have vistitation such as extended visits for the holidays and summer, would not be in my sons best interests, he has a very stable home and family and has made it clear he does not think of bio dad as his daddy. Nothing will change that for him. My heart breaks to see him have to go thru this now. Although I would never stand in the way if the situation were that he wanted to go and have a relationship with his bio dad.

PLEASE help, I do not want to lose any kind of custody and am terified of what extended visitations will do to my child.

What a sad state of affairs. No one has a crystal ball, but I suspect that joint custody is well nigh impossible for the biological father to attain. Visitation is a given, unless, of course there is some reason it shouldn't be--like he is a wanted felon, or sexual abuser, etc. The fact that you describe him as a no good bum really isn't relevant to his being granted or denied visitation. Also, in your favor is your current husband. This doesn't mean that he is a substitute for the biological father, but it does provide the court with substantive proof that the boy is in a stable environment with two loving adults ( if indeed that is the case ). The fact that you have apparently been an effective "single parent" and that you married a man who has assumed a paternal role in your sons live speaks well of you and your intent to hold the child's best interest at heart. God forbid you, like the biological father, had waited all these years to step up to the proverbial plate and be a parent! That being said, regardless of the amount of the time the biological father has been absent, he still has legal right to the child--unless his rights have been lawfully terminated. So, while you and your husband provide a good stable home, it doesn't negate the fact that the biological father is entitled to visitation. Joint custody? I think that is a stretch--but as I mentioned, no one has a crystal ball. Also, the fact that he is representing himself shows he isn't particularly bright----if only for the fact that it takes a lot of nerve ( or stupidity) to go before a judge and be willing to be asked questions like, "So, Mr. Absent Father, why haven't you participated in your sons life now? Why the sudden interest in participating now?" These are hard questions that he will have to answer--and I suspect he has no answer for them.
HIRE AN ATTORNEY---even if the biological father, in all likelihood, is going to fumble. I don't think he will make it to the end zone. Regardless, too much is at stake. HIRE an attorney. Good luck. Your son is lucky to have you and your husband.

Thanks for the quick response,,, yes I understand that he is entitled to visitation and will most likely get it, however what happens if the child refuses to go? I cant understand how people can say the child has no rights,,, I mean has the sytem really lost its mind to think that if a child who has no relationship with a person be it mother or father, with no fault of his own, then be forced to leave his safe, loving environment to go with someone who he refuses to go with. Again there is a difference betweeen me not allowing him to go, or stopping him to go, and the child not going. Like I said before, he attempted to coem get him two times, and both times my son said he didnt want to go, then bio dad simply left. I dont understand how such visitations will ever get enforced if child doesnt want to go, even for a few hours, let alone extended visits. I am scared to death of how this will effect my son if it ever happens. Can the police actually coem and force my son to go, kicking and screaming, like I have heard horror stories about. What parent in their right mind who says they love their child would ever want to subject him or her in this way especailly considering the circumstances leading up to this. I hate to think of what could be.

As far as being in court, he would be eaten alive, like you said when questioned about all the things that he has done or failed to do up until now. I am so sad for my son, and my husband feels so helpless he cant stand it anymore. He loves my son with all his heart, and my son loves him too. He always says he doesnt care that he has a biodad, it doesnt mean anythign to him, all he cares about is his daddy who is his daddy in his heart, and thats all that matters to him.

What would you say if you son refused to go to school? Would you say, "But, Mr. Principal, he doesn't want to go!" and let him stay home? Of course not. You would try to identify WHY he doesn't want to go, then offer him parental guidance and encouragement, explaining to him why he HAS to go. If he still doesn't understand, maybe something bigger is at play and professional counseling would be needed. I'm sure you understand the parallel here----unless the boys father is a harmful, evil, villainous man, there is no reason he CAN'T see him and shouldn't get to know him. He is your sons biological father regardless of YOUR feelings about the man. One thing I personally kept in mind---and something you may have to learn---your son is taking his cues from you. YOU don't want him to see his biological father ( understandably--that isn't a criticism of you) but he is feeding off YOUR dislike/fear, etc. You are going to have to grow up and realize you CHOSE this man to be his biological father---and encouraging a healthy relationship between your son and this man is the best thing for YOU, too. And, believe me, if this situation remains as ugly as it is now, your happy marriage may be at stake as well. Making this work doesn't just benefit the biological father---it will pay RICH dividends in your life, your marriage, and of course, in your sons life.
I am very close with a man who is not the father of my children. This man and my children's father get along beautifully with one another, each accepting one another's place in the children's lives as being important--NOT in competition with one another. If all the adults in this boys life work together, the boy may be blessed enough to have THREE adults in his immediate life that love and care for him deeply, and are willing to PUT ASIDE ( monumental task!) their dislike of each other for a better cause: The well being of this child.
Now, if at some point, the visitations become harmful---and your child is honestly in danger physically, emotionally, etc. then you can petition the court to reconsider or asked for supervised visitations. But, the unfortunate reality is---he has the right to see the child---and will, in all likelihood, exercise that right. GET READY NOW for this eventuality. You MUST exert a Herculean effort to think differently of this man ( if needs be) to bring some peace to your sons heart about knowing his father. How can he NOT be afraid---this evil man he has heard nothing but horrible things about for all his life wants to be alone with him. Think how you would feel---I'd be scared, too!!
Bottom line: It's going to happen. Do what you can NOW to make it easiest for your son---even if it means doing something I had to learn to do---leave MY opinion of the man OUT of the equation. I chose him to be my children's dad. It was MY responsibility, as it is now yours, to make it WORK.
SEEK professional COUNSELING---no one expects you to force the child out the door kicking and screaming---obviously some mediation and cooperation with professionals is required. Good luck.

Joint custody for a minor child is awarded almost on a daily basis by the court, unless one of the parents is (legally) proven an unfit parent or endangerment to the child. However, typically only one parent is granted physical custody while the other is awarded what the court deems is reasonable child support and visitation .. usually that means every other weekend, alternating holidays or a schedule both biological parents agree on. There are, of course, those cases where both parents come to their own terms and present this agreement to the court, but unless you and your "bio dad" can sit down and try and work this out (not in your son's presence), the court will act as it sees best for your son. At 7 yrs old, your son simply isn't capable of deciding such things as visitation, custody, etc for himself and in the eyes of the court, won't be until possibly his early teens.

Right now, you're "dealing with the unknown." It's understandable that you and your family have been shaken by the paperwork and are automatically picturing the "worst" possible case. Seek the counsel of a competent family attorney in your area (some offer free preliminary consultations.) For the moment, you're under no legal visitation obligation, but you are in control of your son's future. You need the guidance of an experienced and unbiased professional, especially during this preliminary time of fear and shock you (and your family) are experiencing. As a parent (yes, I am one), it's perfectly normal to automatically protect your child, especially during a sudden change; sometimes that requires the assistance of an outside professional. Let an attorney handle the legal aspects of your son's best interests while you and your husband find a way to help your son ease into a new situation.

From what it appears here, your son already has at least you, your husband, your families and your son's "bio dad" as integral people in his life. How he deals with this (or doesn't) is up to all of you. The legal wheels have already been set in motion. Maybe it's time to let go of "what's already been done" and concentrate on what CAN be?

You (all 3 of you) are the parents. You decide. Good luck to all of you.

Joint custody of an 'in absentia' father is not a given. When courts award "joint custody daily", they do so most often when both parties appear simultaneously and petition the court for such. In this case, the biological father, through taciturn agreement (his conspicious absence and lack of support ), gave the mother full custody. It is my opinion that a court would be reluctant to jeopardize that, especially since the child is in a two parent stable home at this time. Liberal visitation, probably. Joint custody?? I don't think so. A child is not a trinket to be disregarded, then picked up again when it suits the parent. The biological father, for all intents and purposes, abandoned the child. Of course, this does NOT mean his legal rights have been terminated, but the obvious question is, "WHY NOW?" and "Where in the world have you been for seven years?" The biological father appearing NOW, after seven years, probably does NOT hold the same weight in the eyes of the court as a father that appeared when the relationship ended and the child was an infant.
Also, the poster did not mention a single word about their "families", and the biological father is not an integral part of the boys life---that was the point of the posting. He WANTS to be and is trying to be, much to the mothers distress. No mention was made of the original posters families and the role or support they can or do offer, but I suspect the court will have a keen interest in the support structure of the young man, including his extended family.

The purpose of my post is to make you aware that your desire for sole custody may not be possible. Unless you (and your attorney) can prepare a case that basically declares the "bio dad" unfit, more likely than not joint custody will be awarded at the outset. You're obviously educating yourself already but you need to be aware of the problems that may lie ahead.
Here's more research for you to consider from Stanford.edu: "The maternal presumption for custody remained firm for many decades in the United States, challenged only after the divorce rate began its dramatic rise in the 1960's. Spurred on by fathers' claims of discrimination in custody decisions, constitutional concerns for equal protection, the feminist movement, and the entry of large numbers of women into the workforce, most states had substituted the standard of the "best interests of the child" for the tender years presumption by the mid 1970's. For the first time in history, custody decision-making was to be rooted in a consideration of the child's needs and interests, rather than based simply on the gender of the parent. (courtesy "Custody Decision Making in Historical Context.") You need to realize that if you decide to file for sole custody and do not prove your case, there's a very good chance it could be awarded to "bio dad." If neither side can convince a judge either parent is unfit, you will be looking instead at a joint custody arrangement. Given the rise in national divorce rates, that is, of course, very common in today's family court system.
You already have the support of your family (among others.) You need the experience of a licensed family attorney to prepare .. and protect .. all of you.

I can understand the purpose of joint custody and appreciate the importance of it in most cases. However my case isnt the normal divorce case, we were never married, and he was never involved as a parent for the past five and a half years. He only recently moved here in Ga over a year ago, of course stating that he came to be near my son, but that has been proven by his own actions to be untrue. He attempted to come pick up my son on two occations, which I glady welcomed him to my home and had my son ready to go. He left both times, after my son cryed (NATURALLY) and refused to go. Well what would seem normal is that he would try again to create a relationship with the child that he sooo loves. But no, instead he think s the best thing to do, is not pay child support, nine months went by, not call or send a letter or card, for christmas, or his bday, or any other kind of contact for OVER A YEAR since hes moved here literally living twenty minutes away.


I cant forget to remind you how loving a father he must be to deny paternity, and request that my son and I go in for DNA testing.

Clearly theses things must be taken into consideration. As a society this must stop, This rewarding parents with UNACCAPTABLE behavior, and neglect and abandonment of their children. Sending this message to parents and future parents( our children) that this is the way a real father or mother behaves, and this is what it means to be a father or a mother,,, if you dont believe me just look at the fourteenth amendment. See it says it here, I can do just about anything, OR NOT DO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING FOR YOU, but the law says when Im ready I can come get ya.Come on. By the way I am horrified at how many mothers are just as neglectful and have met and known many fathers who are just the opposite. So I am by no means fighting for some kind of mothers rights, or womens rights. This is all about childrens rights.

It may not seem to anyone that I would actually allow my son to go with this man, but being the loving mother I am, I would gladly let him go anytime if thats what he wanted. To say my son has no say even at his age is a complete injustice to every child out there, and if I hear another peron say something in the lines of well dont forget that it is his biological father, his real father I think Im gonna scream. These parents should be reminded of that, not the kids. Although my son does know and has always known that he is the bio father, and I do keep in close contact with his grandparents from bio dads side. Love them dearly. No secrest have ever been kept from my son.

Those kinds of comments are so sad. I have friends who have adopted children, and they tell me all the time how ignorant people are when they say things like "where is her real mom, or where is his real dad" HELLO right here, blood is not thicker than water in these cases. These children and obviously many adults need to be reminded of honor, values, and responsiblities in life. What it means to be a parent, and what it means when you are not. Im so sad right now.

My dear, the bottom line is courts do NOT just automatically give JOINT CUSTODY in cases where the parents do not appear together at the end of the relationship and ASK for it. In other words---and what other replies are ignoring, is that the biological father has been ABSENT willfully for YEARS. He ABANDONED ( NOT abandoned his legal rights) BUT, abandoned you and the child YEARS ago. The court will probably NOT give his petition NOW the same weight it WOULD have if he had appeared when your relationship ended and asked for joint custody. In other words, the fact he DISAPPEARED, gave you custody ( not LEGALLY, and documented), but his leaving gave you taciturn acceptance of his willingess to not have custody and to give YOU full custody. Although that didn't happen in court, it DID happen by default--since he LEFT.
While it is CORRECT that judges DO customarily award joint custody to two suitable fit parents with equal interest in the child/children, the reality is YOUR situation is DIFFERENT. He does not come to the proverbial bargaining table with as much authority as YOU do since he has been MISSING for YEARS. The court will not view his participation as DEPENDABLE and ONGOING automatically, like it might of, had this occured when your relationship ended and the child was a baby. He has proven for the duration of the childs life to be undependable and non supportive. Your other replies are completely ignoring this fact. You are NOT on equal footing---you have provided a stable TWO adult home for this child. This does not TERMINATE or NEGATE the biological fathers LEGAL rights, BUT, practically, it puts him in a dubious light and makes you appear to be clearly the better choice for full custody.
The BEST thing to do is find a family attorney who KNOWS your local court system and the judges. You are right to be concerned---there are a lot of changes in your life and your sons life that are rapidly approaching. And yes, some of them seem incredibly unfair. Unfortunately, as much as you hate it, the biological father has rights. But the fact that he has been absent and hasn't showed any interest in or participation in your sons life is a critical component that has been ignored in other replies, and is one that a skilled family attorney can capitalize on---to your benefit.
DON'T panic. Don't borrow trouble. Take a big breathe and get the best attorney you can. He can set your mind at ease, or at the least, let you know, straight up, what you are facing. Being alarmed by incorrect advice on the Internet is not advantageous. Print these replies out--show them to your attorney. Then do precisely what he says to do. And ignore the rest--including me Ohhh, and be careful of those who are more familiar with copying and pasting from web sites than those who actually know the law ( I learned this tip from a new poster some time ago who warned against people doing this, but turned around and did it themselves!!) :::wink::::
Good luck to you---your son is lucky to have you.

Thanks Grace, and you could probably tell my last post was not directed towards you, but rather towards some other people who just didnt get it. I appreciate that it makes sense what I am saying, and know that I am not alone in what I have said.

Yes most definately I am getting help from an attorney and I will fight this thing to the end, Outcome will be visitation, I am prepared for it, but knowing this man, if he has to fight at all for this, he will give up. He must not have evr know me if he thinks I will take it lying down and just give in to his demands. My family is the most important thing to me, and bring it on, I have all day to fight for them. The will is there, the desire is there, and the facts are on my side. Lets see now what happens.