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Originally Posted by BarbieAnn54
First of all thank you for you expertise. Let me briefly explain if I can…I’m not making any excuses, just letting you know what my situation was and is…as briefly as I can. I am a former nurse. My husband and I decided that it would be best to stay home and raise our children. Number one, my only sister had moved to California…..we were born and raised in New York ….and so there went any semblance of support…and actually she had her own issues, with her husband at the time. He is deceased now…..
Secondly, as close as I was with my mother, she was a functioning alcoholic, and in addition I came from a physically abusive (meaning assault) and dysfunctional family….at the time, we all made it through the trials and tribulations that come with dysfunction. However, my mom (may she rest in peace)…could not be supportive to me, because of her problem and I was never close to dad, because of his violent nature. He is 83 now, and I had a much better relationship with him, until this current situation, which, has left me out of touch.
Yes, it may seem archaic to you…however, the hoarding, goes way back…it has only now become extreme. Early in our marriage he was physically abusive to me…and I said that I was leaving, so he never touched me again., however, he had drug problems that I wasn’t aware of…yes, I knew he smoked marijuana now and then, however, I was never, a part of it or did I ever condone it, so, he did this sort of thing away from me….I had a 5 year old and a baby at the time that he told me that he had a problem…I didn’t realize that it was so bad until he stopped coming home…so, I called his job and reported him…and the supervisor said that he had to come to him……so, I told my husband that I was not going to live like this with him…so, he agreed to go away for the drug treatment…this was back in the 80’s……he left for 30 days, and so forth etc.
To make a long story short…he did seem to straighten out his life and then came my daughter. I could go on…however, I said I would make this brief. My daughter is not sick because, of the Apt. and my son’s where young and the situation was not as serious. By the way I forgot to mention early in our marriage, we had marriage counseling about hoarding and physical abuse.
I think the reason that, I didn’t make a move early on is because, I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to give them the quality of life that I thought they deserved. My husband had taken care of the family decently at some point. However, I agree with you….I believe, that he could be mentally ill or something…however, he won’t go to the doctor like I asked him because, he is afraid of what they might tell him.
This is what I want,…I’m currently working at home by computer…..I just got started, so no income yet. I want a separation, because, I think that I can get this without him contesting it…if I tell him that we could possibly get back together again…However, In the long run, I really want a divorce. But, I don’t have any money….I know that lawyers are very expensive…..this is another reason why I didn’t make a move before….my parents, didn’t get along, and separated, but not legally…and it was very ugly, and deceitful…I want to do a legal separation. About the taxes….I didn’t take care of that, he did…so I only remember signing the form for my oldest son’s, student financial aid….and why the state is after him, is well, he tells me that…he filled out the form wrong ..and that all he has to do is find his 2006 tax forms and resubmit them ….well, you guessed it he can’t find them nor is he really looking…..
I really would like him to leave at some point…and I know I have rights….and I only want what I’m entitled to nothing more….
I would appreciate any additional advice that you can give me at this time…..
I guess my upbringing and religion may play a role, ….in how I think….I’m not practicing now, however, I am a Catholic, and I went to Catholic Elementary school….and I had my children from one man, and didn’t have them until I was married….so, that’s it.
I didn’t want the children to fall into the no father thing…but, they are older and we are all on the same page.
On the last note, we have pets and where would they go, if I went to a shelter. (can’t leave them with him)
I really do appreciate all that you have told me. Just understand, I don’t know how old you are, but, back when I got married at 25 years old, the laws were not on the books and in favor or women at all….Thank goodness times have changed.
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I appreciate your thorough posting. I think I can draw some common ground for you. Like you, I was raised in a strict Christian background, no dating, no dancing, no pants, no makeup. I married at age 22 after college graduation and was married for nearly twenty years to the man my parents chose for me, and until his death, I had never been with another man either. So, while that particular aspect of your relationship may be unusual in this day and age, it is not unusual to my experience. My husband and I had a deep friendship (which is more than some people every have in their entire life) and seven beautiful children together. Unfortunately, he was killed in an accident last year, leaving me a single parent of the Magnificent Seven. So, I understand about not having support, a job, etc. I have not seen a single relative since the day of the funeral. So, in that respect, you are not alone. I say that simply to say that you can do anything that you attempt to do, if your heart is in it and you believe it to be the right thing.
Your posting states that at one point in your marriage, you and he went to counseling and addressed the issue of the hoarding, and other harmful issues such as drug use ( any drug use is DRUG USE--don't call it "just a little"--that paves the way down the slippery slope). Yet, here you are years later, and not only has it not changed, it has gotten worse, per your own admission.
A woman should never have to stay with a man because of "lack of resources". If you want a divorce, you can file for one. Although legal counsel is always the best way to go, if you cannot afford it, it is not entirely impossible to do it yourself. Also, many attorneys have very low cost divorce case charges for uncontested divorces. Perhaps this is a possibility.
Regarding the pets---you realize ( and I am not trying to sound cruel) an ANIMAL is never an excuse for not doing the right thing for you or your child. For 48 hours, they would be fine, if it came down to the line. A vet clinic can board them, care for them, a neighbor, a kid down the street who needs a few extra dollars, etc. I don't know what kind of pets they are, but you realize that all of these "reasons" seem to offer the impression that leaving this man is not something you really intend to do. Interestingly enough, your posting didn't mention any reasons in SUPPORT of your leaving, just all the reasons why you shouldn't or why it would be "too hard".
Call a womans shelter. Ask them for guidance. Oh, and the not having a phone thing? Your second posting is entirely different in tone than your first. Women who are abused on any level tend to protect the abuser when it comes down to break point, decision, time to choose---they choose to protect him, which is how your posting reads. Note: This isn't a judgment, but an observation from an impartial observer. Your first posting alludes to irrational and controlling behavior----yet your second posting doesn't mention the fact that you aren't "allowed" to even have a telephone.
You need support and there is help available in the community. Also, women's shelters can suggest which attorneys in town are more familiar with cases like yours. It is a starting place. Also, the fact that you have a child that could be perceived as being "at risk" may help in your obtaining legal services.
Regarding the tax thing---it still doesn't make sense. You need to check with the IRS personally and make sure that you are not culpable for any of the half truths he is apparently telling you. IRS woes can ruin you and I don't just mean financially.
Don't let fear ( or pets ) keep you from embracing the rest of your life.
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