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Originally Posted by montihelp
Hello everyone! I am new to this site but I need advice and I am unable to hire an attorney to help me with this. To make the story short, I have primary physical custody of a 9 year old son and his father has visitation every Tuesday from around 5-6pm until 8pm when he has to return our son to my home and every other weekend. My son is a typical 9year old child that enjoys participating in extracurricular activities such as basketball, football etc. My ex lives about an hour to an hour and a half away and refuses to comply with our custody order by ensuring that our son attends his practices and games if they fall on his visitation time. He states it is his visitation time and feels it interferes so he does not take him. He also feels that I need to discuss everyday things with him and if he does not agree with our son participating in an activity because it takes up his time then our son should not participate in activities. I've tried to explain to him that our son enjoys his activities and how it is not fair to him to miss out on things but it falls on deaf ears. He is very difficult to deal with and regardless of how I've tried to work with him he is very vindictive and if he does not get his way can be verbally abusive. We recently went to court and the judge told him that he needs to abide by the order and ensure our son attends his activities but now two days later my ex and his attorney are telling me that if the ex does not agree and is not included in day to day decision then our son should not be participating in activities because it is taking up my ex's time. For the last 8years since he left my son and I have done everything possible to work with him and include him in decisions but it is a constant battle and he is not very proactive when it comes to making decisions. I understand that legal custody deals with sharing in the decision making regarding major issues such as education, health issues and religion but day to day decisions? I am unable to afford an attorney (I live in the DC area as a single mother receiving only $300 in c/s so times are tough!) to represent me in court. Can anybody please offer any insight or advice on how I deal with this? I GREATLY appreciate any assistance that anyone can provide!
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First of all, let me state that it is against the law for attorneys to "practice law" in this forum. This is a message board forum and anything you read here should be considered mere opinion.
That being said, I have to admit, I felt badly for your ex when I read your posting. Per your own admission, his visitation times aren't that at all. According to your posting, his visitation times aren't times he gets to spend talking with, reconnecting, loving, his son. His visitation times are ones where he performs as taxi driver, toting him to different activities. I have to admit, while I don't think your son should skip activities, I do think his father should have time alone with him, uninterrupted by scheduling conflicts. The obvious solution is for him to choose a time to visit that doesn't overlap with games, and other extra activities. Also, and this is ONLY a suggestion since I have no idea how many extra activities your child engages in, but it may be necessary for him to participate in only a few and not so many that it excludes time with his father. I don't mean to say he is in too many activities---just offering an suggestion. Also, just because a child enjoys such and such activities, doesn't mean it is harmful for him not to participate in every single one that presents itself. You'd be surprised how many parents equate a child being in a sport with his or her being successful. Nothing could be further from the truth.
He has ball games on Tuesdays? Change visitation to another day. He has extra activities EVERY day? He has too many.
Also, I would be angry if I didn't have an equal say in my sons interest and my feeling is your ex's attorney is correct. The fathers opinion regarding the sons schooling, extra curricular activities, even his friends is as important and as critical as is yours. Why would he not have an equal say? I have to side with your ex on this----you SHOULD consult with him on decisions regarding your son. You decline to state what "day to day" activities are--if you mean should you call him and ask if the kid should wear the blue shirt or the red shirt, obviously, that is silly. But, what activities the child participates in really should be the decision of both parents---and I suspect if his attorney appeals, their position will be recognized.
What is your definition of day-to-day activities? And, another thought--if he actually got time alone with the child without having to share his meager portion of time with baseball bats and gloves, maybe he wouldn't be so persistent in the 'day-to-day' issues. But, I don't know because you do not state what those day-to-day issues are.
An important thing parents miss---regardless of how you feel about the man, he IS your child's father and it will pay rich dividends for you to be a bit more flexible and not so rigid. Try to imagine it the other way--you only got to see your flesh and blood TWO days and TWO HOURS a week--and some of that small amount of time was spent chauffeuring to ball games, toting to activities. I suspect if it were the other way around, you would feel cheated.
I was widowed a year ago and have seven children all minor aged. To think that a soccer game or a pep rally would come before their father makes no sense to me at all. Don't deny him his father in jeopardizing that precious time with things that have no relevance in the light of eternity. Ball games? Sure, they're great. Time with your father when you are getting read to hit those teenaged rocky years? Invaluable.
Don't compromise his time with his dad. That time is sacred. You have no way of knowing how much, or how little of it he has left.